Dream Act Student

Quick Updates

2011-07-09T17:42:00.000-07:00

Not much, pretty boring miserable life. Although must say, my homemaker skills have advance from single man to single lady. Maybe one day, I will attain the greatest title (grandmother). The titles go from: caveman, single man, married man, single woman, wife, mother and grandmother.

I am writing two scripts. The one I have always write and a new one. My hand hurts because I do it mostly by hand. I am reading three books on the subject and making some progress, I guess.

The house we were renting is going to be lose. So, I am super busy packing and cleaning and finding a new house and being frustrated because is very hard. Damn over hyped, over valued homes and the corporations that pushed them! Now, my undocumented butt has to find a new place to live, right with everyone else.

While buying a new exacto knife, some young men were talking about college. It was pathetic at best. They first said that the college were you graduate is not relevant, or grades. Finally, someone venture that college was not that important. Everyone else agreed. Yea, if you have several years working, your degree is not relevant anymore but experience. Still, if you are new to the industry or the market, your degree, grades and schools does matter a lot.

It is sad to hear people wasting their talents, like throwing money to the gutter because they are afraid to step out and do the unthinkable. It was kind of shocking to see white, young, middle class males thinking like that. Who the hell told them that greatness was cheap or easy or fun?

Ahhh, well, I hope to buy a new computer on the soon as opposed to the later and be able to write more. Still, probably this will be a fringe deal for me because I am already writing on the guesstimate of 3-5 hrs per day.

Wait, a minute...this were not quick updates at all! Oh well, too lazy to change title.

On Not Being Here

2011-02-08T10:12:00.000-08:00

My computer is gone and with it my internet connection.

I will try to post once per month because more than that is pretty much impossible. Sorry if I neglected my two loyal readers.

Take care

On A Happy New Year

2010-12-28T00:57:00.001-08:00

If something good comes from this otherwise sucky year, is that it will soon be over. Honestly, this year was terrible and not only for Dream being held back.

Well, it did brought something good. This year, I started to write my script only to give up again and now to go back. Hey, who was the wiser to said that our dreams are never easy to reach? Never mind.

I really want to write my script. The issue with life is that we want to do so many things and there is never the time to do anything. If I had my act together, at this point, I would be chilling while forcing my friends and family to read the damn script.

I want to keep writing this blog, at least once per week. I want to keep writing the other blog, at least once per week. I want to fix the issues with my past horror short and write a new short. So, the issue here is that there is more writing than life. The horror short was a mess but at least now; I know how to fix some of it. The other short, which honestly I find more interesting at the moment, has this log line (the story in one line):

An undocumented middle school nerd and the cheerleader he has a crush on are getting a ride from his Spanish speaking father when a cop stops them and ask for a driver's license.

I like the idea. Still, I dunno, the writer's side of the brain says it's pretty dull. The undocumented half of the brain feels it's pretty compelling. What you guys think?

Well, I hope that you guys are all having a wonderful time and that you are moving, slowly but surely towards all your hopes and dreams. Wish this New Year is more merciful on us all. So, I will leave with my favorite quote from one of my favorite movies of the year, The Visionaries.

I can do this because I did it before…in a dream.

On How to Debate in the Internetz Par III

2010-12-24T21:36:00.000-08:00

Ok, it seems all the other parts are scatter around the joint. I will post a link if you want to see the whole thing at once. This is a super long post and should be at least five parts but a deal is a deal even if it does not work. The main reason why this was not out sooner is because of laziness. Really, this was wrote when the first one was done.

How to Debate the Internetz Part I
http://dreamactstudent.blogspot.com/2010_11_01_archive.html#3245623118968316040

How to Debate the Internetz Part II
http://dreamactstudent.blogspot.com/2010_12_01_archive.html#5141106981344901437

Know the Art of Debating

On the skinny, an argument consists of a conclusion that is supported by evidence. For example:

Doctors are necessary when one is sick,

the county of Los Angeles has 10% less doctors than most counties,

Therefore, we need more doctors in Los Angeles.

The argument is we need more doctors in Los Angeles. The rest is evidence to prove it is so. There is nothing more irritant that someone who writes within your argument trying to prove your case wrong in all possible levels. For example:

Doctors are necessary when one is sick (No all the time),

Los Angeles has 10% less doctors than most counties (actually we have plenty of doctors),

Therefore, we need more doctors in Los Angeles (that is stupid).

You don’t need to do that to prove all the argument wrong. Besides being confusing, wasting space, and being a jerk you will look childish, ignorant and foolish. Only one part of the evidence will make the conclusion fall apart:

People in Los Angeles need fewer doctors because Angelinians are on average healthier.

The above will prove the argument wrong without wasting precious space. If someone dissects your comments like that, simply ignore them and keep straight into your attacking their argument in the weakest point. This is especially advantageous when debating in places where there is a limit in symbols.

Battle without Honor or Humanity

In battles of wits, everything is allowed. Do throw some low punches. Pepper your sentences with the above mentioned fallacies. Seduce the audience, not only with your evidence but with your style and humor. They call you an idiot who cannot spell, you reply with a “you forgot to prove me wrong”. Call them of their bluffs, if they say that they speak 10 languages ask them which ones and then force the truth out of them.

Do not respond right away, take your time, days if necessary, to write the most devastating, humiliating and cruel response. Most important, admit that they make you angry but also realize that this person does not know you and is nothing to you. Only maggots debate in the Internet to boost their self-esteem and when they turn off their computers, they go back to the fear of dealing with people in the flesh and blood where calling someone part of the “Jew power elite” or a “nigger” has consequences.

The most important thing....

Thank You for reading this blog and

Have a Merry Christmas and a Terrific New Year!!!!!

On Ourselves

2010-12-19T20:16:00.001-08:00

Not that I think that many people will read this.

So, once again the world has failed us. There is really no other way to say it or put it or understand it or analyze it. We worked hard for Dream. Some more than others but everyone chip in and as important as it is the person in the front of the parade as the hundreds behind them. Still, might I remind you? We did not fail ourselves.

After that incredible punch in the gut, I can say, our old man hit worst than that. Just think how hard it was to graduate from high school. How hard it was to get a job. How hard it was to apply college or simply to register for community college. Not a question but a fact.

Just think about every day, to be call an animal, a criminal and a monster since you were a child from people less deserving than you. To be sneered for desiring a better life and refuse to become a low wage, low skill, faceless exploited undocumented worker. Just for that, you're the worst of the worst. How dare you refuse your destiny?

Wasn't this terrible? It was. Wasn't it deeply sad? Beyond words? More than regular folks can take? It was. Then again, we are not regular folks. It is okay to cry, to admit pain and to feel sorry for ourselves. Lesser individuals would just slide their wrist and get it over with it. Still, besides getting our hopes high, we come back home to our regular struggles. We are after all the best and brightest.

Again, I have to admit. It was more emotive for me to see Dream triumph in the House than failing in the Senate. After all, it is love from the status quo that shocks me, not their painful indifference or their outright hatred. It is acceptance what humbles me and not the morbid slandering. Over and over, we have been stab in the back and over and over we come back from the ashes.

Of course, you will hear those who chose hate over common sense that this is the very arrogance and over-privileged attitude the liberals have created. Then, again, I went to college without documents, student aid, grants, loans or cushy employment. They, for the most part didn't. The same goes to the kind folks who think immigrants are dumb for not speaking English when they clearly have such a poor domain of what should be their native language. Since many dreamers are bilinguals, I think it means we are twice as smart? Doesn't it?

Do we have the right to be angry? Of course we have. Even without the papers, we are as American as the Constitution. We are undocumented, we are part of different minorities. Our history is the history of the United States of America. The same way the history of African Americans slaves, of Japanese Americans on concentration camps, or Chicanos being run down from their properties from California. This is the story of the German and Irish being look down upon while creating the wealth of the nation with their sweat and blood. If someone believes the history of America is only of a small group from one race, one religion, one class, one sex, that person is the real traitor, not us. Not the children, not the pure.

And like all this groups, we will go on strong and alive, full of joy and pain because we are the best and the brightest. I say this to the child I once was and to the new ones who got once again denied. You are not a bad person, you are not a criminal and you are as much the product of God's love as the richest, most deserving person in this world.

This is not the conclusion but a To be Continued…

How to Debate in the Internetz (Part II)

2010-12-05T19:30:00.000-08:00

Note: After looking at the first part, it is clear it should be at least six parts. Here is part two of the highly acclaimed article that started it all.

Know Your Setting

Where are you debating, Dream Act portal, Facebook, You Tube? Each place has different rules; some allow you to write huge posts while others only allow a few couple of words. If you only have a sentence to make a point, it is going to be difficult to make your point across without saying something you didn’t meant to say. In any case, unless you’re in the Hustler forum, please limit your usage of colorful language. Don’t prove thy enemy is right by sounding like a sailor in a cheap porn movie. At the same time, sadly, if you write a long post, the dimmer are the changes of anyone reading your comment. People would rather thumbs up a single word comment than one with actual statement.

Sometimes, the setting is everything. If you wrote a refusal in NumbersUSA or the Allipac You Tube channel, all the aggravation you’re getting is what you deserved. What did you expect? If you debate someone who hates you, the arguments are not going to make that person, and their herds, like you or concede defeat, especially if the individual loves to make up statistics and live in an alternate reality. Debating a barking dog is always debating a barking dog. And if a person (you) debates a barking dog (Allipac), don’t complain later if people assumed that the dog had point. What can I say? Some people respond to barking and not debating or even making sense, which brings me to the next point.

Know your Audience

As stated in American Splendor stupid is average, so convincing people that that Sarah Palin is a victim of the media is not that hard. In case you have not notice, Stephen Colbert uses his great mastery of the English language to control the debates without actually knowing anything. A good debater might be the most ignorant person in the room but knows how to trample foes. For example, screaming over your opponent and not letting them talk. If it feels like cheating, consider this, if you cannot win against a faulty argument, are you sure your stand is the correct one? Many people identify that as a cue for who controls the debate and overpower the other. Here are some of the dubious ways people grant themselves credibility.

1. Giving yourself an accreditation that makes your trustworthy. A PhD, a language or a job that entitles trust. (their argument is better because they are better than you)

2. Calling the opponent an idiot over and over, making fun of their comment/spelling, instead of actually saying why is wrong. (you’re an idiot so their argument is better than yours)

3. Flipping through subjects. (This one is particularly good at making people contradict themselves and say something lame as they are removed from their area of specialty. You were debating Coke vs. Pepsi and somehow ended up talking about nuclear physics. Keep going back to the subject over and over and keep track of what you actually want to debate about. )

4. Having the last word (amazingly in this day and age, many people still believe that having the last word means you won)

Do not respond with just fallacies. Although they will probably win you many battles, sooner than later you will find someone who can see through you. And that person is going to beat the crap out of you by pointing out your pseudo intelligence. Believe me, being call pseudo smart is way more demeaning than being call an idiot.

Again, use your common sense before entering a debate. You might run the risk of granting your credibility to someone in the fringes of abstract thinking. In other words, if it was not clear enough, if you debate someone who thinks that calling Obama a chimp is not racist, if the audience is uneducated enough. They might think that you two are having a balance, two way argument when in reality, you’re handling this person his/her butt in a silver plate.

Dream Act Especial Edition: On Dreaming without Acting

2010-12-02T14:04:00.000-08:00

So, as I sit in front of the computer, an unnerving reality comes to my mind. This is it. This is as close as I am ever going to get to a green card. Yet, that is not the most critical fear in my head but the fear of doing something about it.

I have done it on the past. Calling that is, well, sometimes just tried to call because the lines are full. It is not like I’m spending all day and night calling like many of my more committed friends. I have many things to do, so every time I go out for an errand or finish a task I do a set of calls. It sounds lame but it is not like I can skip picking my sister from school or my mom from work or dinner from the dumpster.

Mostly, I understand why so many dreamers are wasting their precious time, pondering on the current bill rather than making it happen.

If you give your all and fail, it is more devastating than if you just fantasize how good it would be for something to happen. I can dream on being a size zero, rant on the benefits of exercise and a healthy diet. That might give me a sense of doing something but in reality; it is not until I get off my butt that everything starts.

Acting to realize your dreams is not fun or easy. It is very hard, boring and painful. It is even harder when you realized that the chances of realizing your goals are dim even if you give your all. What if you give your all and fail? What does that say about you? What does that say about the American Dream? What does that say about life?

So, it is easier to just not call. If the Dream Act fails, you were not emotionally invested. If fact, some people (with the excuse of being reasonable), are already looking at the chances of the Dream Act as dim at best. They are preparing themselves for failure and protecting themselves from devastation.

Low tolerance to pain is not a good thing. For example, abused spouses stay because of their intolerance to deal with reality, the pain of a failed relationship and the stress of change.

So, let’s not be abused spouses. The USA system is not our pimp. Let’s do our best, call, write and speak up for a couple of days. And if we fail, then we cry and mend our wounds.

And now, if you excuse me, I have some calls to make.

Dream Act Special Edition: On Doing Our Best

2010-12-01T15:52:00.003-08:00

So, while doing some research it became clear, I will be 30 by the time the Senate Discusses the Dream Act, which most likely will make me un-eligible. Further explanation, my birthday is December 5. The bill is yet to be even brought to the floor in the Senate and I need to be younger than 30 by the time the Dream Act passes.

So, I could do what some Dreamers in my position have done in the past. Whine how unfair it is, why I deserve it more than anyone else. Why they need to change the law so it accommodates me. Then some other jerk will say that shit happens because, of course, they qualify, so, the hell with me, even though if they were in my position they will whine too.

Since that is too boring, I’ll do something else instead. Do what I can to make sure the bill passes as soon as possible. It is not as awe inspiring as what other dreamers have made. Still, what I can do I all I can. What I know in my heart can do and what will save me from regret in the future.

You see. I CAN WORRY LATER about what’s next. If the Dream Act does not passes right now, the changes of me getting legal status is even smaller. I can hire a lawyer and if nothing works, I can go back to Mexico.

The point is, there is no excuse to whine and discuss when there is work to do. Think less, Talk less and Do more. Not asking you to get arrested or to do something beyond your means, only do what you know you can and no more, no less.

If the Dream Act does not pass, then you can bitterly shake your fist at politicians, at America and the world itself but you will know that you did your part. The world failed you but you did not fail to yourself.

That in the end is the most important thing. More important than the Dream Act because the Dream is only an opportunity but you, you my dear are power. Can you apply yourself to make the world a better place?

On How to Debate on the Internez (Part 1)

2010-11-28T02:49:00.000-08:00

Note: The final blog was in the ball park of 3-4 pages long. So, I cut it into three parts. Might add a survey to see if anyone cares to read the whole thing in one sit. Also, all the examples used, were real but no anonymous jerk was harm while producing the blog.

I have figure out something. NASA scientist and multi-lingual doctorate holders are idiots. Either that, or one too many high school drop outs are doing the amazing feat of both pretending to be incredibly smart while showing their awe inspiring ignorance on the Internet. The bottom line is: don’t look like a jerk. Even if you’re anonymous, learn the delicate art of making others feel mentally inadequate through arguments.

Situation

You’re minding your own business, browsing the net while chatting and watching some videos on You Tube. Suddenly, you read a blog, saw a video, and/or heard a comment that captures your imagination. Either is a good hell yea or maybe not. In any case, you’re going to give them a piece of your mind.

Maybe is not like that, maybe you can help but to read the first or most popular comment of a District 9 trailer (in You Tube it cannot be help). On no you didn’t puffycloud108! How dare you insult District 9 after it took me to a multi-layered science fiction heaven! He is going down!

In any case, after a couple of hours, there is a reply and is not a “you tell’em Feistyone1975”. What to do now? Well, here are five basic things to keep in mind before and during an Internet debate.

Know the Opponent

That is the person who wrote the comment in question. If this person is a troll who called your favorite clip of Batman Beyond retarded, just let it go. Trolls are people who are looking for your attention and/or to make you fight with fellow fans, just write a comment that re-instates your love for Batman in the general thread. You will vent and feel better without bringing further aggravation.

If the jerk is debating five people at the same time in the same thread, just let it go. A person with that much time in their hands and so eager for attention is not worth your time. He is aggravated already, let the other five fools anger him some more and get angry while you chat with your friends.

If the person says something beyond lame like “how come chimps are not evolving into humans? LOL@ Evolution theory” just let it go. You will have to explain what evolution is, why it does not work that way, and so forth, then they will reply some other equally ignorant response and you will again have to reply in brief, simple terms something very complex. You don’t have time for that. Hells is the absence of God, thus anyone outside the grace of God is miserable. Think of God as knowledge and hell as ignorance, let them live in their own personal hell.

If the individual wrote what appears to be a good argument but there is something not working. He/she is part of a group often composed of people who got some college but skip the courses that really matter (the ones that you need to graduate). Partly educated, the individual uses, and often prides him/her, of using common sense. By the way, we are all part of this group in one way or another since no single person knows it all. It is hard to not follow common sense and popular belief, since we are often saturated with information that is worthless.

For example, “yea, if you eat five grill sandwiches it is too much, but if you measure yourself you’re gonna be fine. I made two for myself this morning and they are great.” There are so many elements with this refusal but I’ll go with the most difficult. According to the bag where the bread comes from, a serving is a slice of bread. A piece of cheese is an ounce. So, the correct serving is half grilled sandwich. He ate four portions thus overeating and making his own argument fail. Overeating is bad, everyone knows it. Eating the right portion is the difficult part and unless you spend a good amount of time studying the subject, it will be hard to identify the problem. This group is very tricky because they know some but lack some. They will, often without knowing, use fallacies in logic to tramp adversaries and win debates. In conclusion, don’t get tramped.

The opponent that knows what is talking about and yet differs in ideology. Yes, there are true Marxists that have great arguments on the wrongdoing of Capitalism. There are incredible smart Conservatives that know why their position is the best one. In those cases, be prepared and have fun and learn from this person. True, you will never totally agree with their stance. Still, the best debates are not to defeat opponents is to prove you that your own principles and values are the real deal. You are not an atheist to piss off mom. You are not a Catholic to piss off atheists. True, both an environmentalist and a capitalist will have different points of view but at the end both are needed to fix global warming.

On Updates

2010-11-19T01:38:00.001-08:00

Ten quick updates about my otherwise boring life.

I finished paying my first ticketJ Now, I have to deal with the second oneL I wonder if I can do it through the Salvation Army again to finish super fast. Still, the place is full of crazy people who both hate democrats and Walt-Mart.
I was assistant director for my local PBS live auction. It was super cool. Many people often complain about their first horrible jobs in the media. I was just stocked that someone could be paid to have so much fun.
All my summer clothes are stored and all my winter clothes hanged and organized. Still, it would be nice to change the furniture around the room.
The Democrats lost the House but retain the Senate. Conservatives claim is due to angry voters being against liberal agenda. Liberals claim is due to conservatives being angry at conservatives. One thing is for sure, people are angry at politicians in general.
A family acquaintance died in a work related accident. Gruesome details about him and the mill he was working on. Existential issues arise. I feel really bad for his family and offered myself to take them to Sacramento to the Mexican Consul. The family was offered only 5,000 by the company to cover their expenses. It pissed me off. Money comes and goes but a loved one is invaluable.
The guy who bullied me in high school died in a car accident. Well, he tried but I fight back. In any case, two deaths within two weeks to feed my already unhealthy, fearful obsession with death. I wish I could feel very bad for him but I feel nothing, not joy nor sadness. Part of me is piss off at him for driving high on coke and the other remembers that the last time we met it was our last fight. Remember to tell mom, "I wish I never see him again" and now, I will. That probably makes me the worst person in the world. Trying to console myself by knowing that if I could trade his life for the life of my dog I would. As if that meant anything.
I tried to fill in my eyebrows like the You Tube "gurus" do. First of all who spends that amount of time in their brows? Second, I ended up looking like Groucho Marx.
Due to the chances of the Dream Act, my plan to move to Mexico was postponed. Still, whether the Dream Act passes (and will start moving my dusty behind again for the cause) or not, I will go back to my hometown and hang out. It is a 500 year old town and apparently all those years where used to perfect the delicate art of fried pork in big ass copper pots and happy cajeta. Happy cause is drunk like Paris Hilton in a club. Who does not want to eat alcohol infused cajeta and fried pork in a 500 year old city?
I have nothing to say but these are ten updates and without a nine there would only be nine. We cannot have that.
Feel that cops are up to get me instead of protect me. I don't think that a flamboyant citizenship, it will change that. This is what happens when someone's humanity is taken. You learn to see the world with cynical eyes. All the innocent idealism is gone but as Jon Steward said "I am a cynical by nature but an optimist by conviction." So, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone. Make sure to hug everybody you love that night and have a wonderfully stressful shopping spread the next day.

On Spooky

2010-10-28T21:05:00.001-07:00

I came from a place where Armageddon was upon us every other Monday. Everything would be alright, until somehow the rumor was spread: on Monday, Satan will arrive. As the sky turned red and demons and spirits run amok, people needed to stay at their house for three days. If you were outside your house, you were doomed to be drag to hell by the horned one himself. If a love one begged you to open the door, screw them. Opening the door, meant to let the devil in, by the way, nothing will work, not even matches. If you didn't have food or water, it was going to be a hard time.

The priest at the local church had to make a sermon addressing the rumors. He stated that the world was not going to end on a Monday. He also refused to bless matches and/or electrical appliances. Still, the rumors continued for several months, until people got tired of waiting for the world to end any other Monday.

At that time, my aunts had a conversation about the subject. One of them asked the other if she would allow her to get in once Armageddon arrived. The other replied no.

Now, just imagine for a second to grow where the line between fantasy and reality was non-existent. I was scared as hell. The good thing is that not all my family was insane. Indeed, one aunt defiantly declared that God did not exist. And at that moment, the light bulb exploded. She said that it was casualty. Back then I thought it was not. Now, I know it was.

Still, the draw of the supernatural is strong. Mostly because, unlike science, is easy to understand and fun. Another little legend runs among my hometown. A woman hated to go to church. One day, she finally decided to skip the sermon and stay home to cozy up. Everyone left and she was her most comfortable when she heard a sinister voice. Finally- the voiced said- we are alone. Clearly is an urban legend created to coerce people to go to church.

Still, a sister of my atheist aunt said something about a young woman wearing black. She was working on a bus station and often had to work pass midnight. She slept in the living room which back then had huge open windows to the exterior. She was in the sofa still with work clothes when she looked at the partially opened curtain. A young woman clad in black was outside our house. Her face covered with a black veil. She thought it was a weird dream. Still, a couple of minutes later we found out that our elderly neighbor died that same night.

I am pretty sure it was a dream. I think many in our family have this capacity for lucid dreams. I was still a child when I was both dreaming that I ran across the street and listening to a soap opera. I remember well because Veronica Castro got shot in her wedding day while I was falling to the ground and waking up. My mother also has this capacity, although she is not sure. She kept talking about her child memories of being in bed and hearing the voices of children playing. She also heard someone hitting the wall. She didn't know what it was until some day she peeped. The house had no door, only a curtain. It was something covered with a white blanket. It took a rock and kept hitting the wall of the house.

I still think is a dream. Besides, children have a very vivid imagination. I used to confuse my mother with other people, simply because they had curly hair, like my mom. I was very little a toddler still. I saw this dead baby. I thought it was a baby inside a public toilet but if that ever happened, it would have been huge news but never heard a word. Children see monsters, we adults, call shadows and leaves and branches.

Dreams can be really vivid though. Still this year, I was in bed when a little girl got under me. She said she was cold. She was indeed cold as a cadaver. I felt her cold skin against my stomach and breast. I wanted to cuddle her. She was no older than fiver. She did not allow me to move. I wanted to see her little face but could not see it. She came back again angry because I told my mom my dream. My mom was scared to death. She pulled my hair and I told her to leave because I was tired. She left and never came back.

Now, this might look like the lucid dream of a crazy person. Indeed it is. During the time where I am half awake and half sleep my mind is at its peak of creativity. The best segments of my writing, the most compelling stories, the most beautiful thoughts come at this moment. It is the moment where I decide that the next day I will visit my aunt who is in Mexico, eat at grandma, who is death and make sure to use a rosary to protect myself against vampires.

Sometimes I miss those years of insanity. Reality mixed with fantasy and fantasy with romance to explain those things that are hard explain. After all, humanity still has a long way to go towards wisdom. I like to draw my conclusions on what I see both in real and abstract form. That is not much to brag but is all I can given the limits of my own humanity. Still, I do not believe in ghost unless I am half sleep. I am more afraid of humans. Mostly because no one has died of ghost attack while many have died of a stab wound.

Which reminds me, I was a little girl when I was fighting with my brother, he claims to forgot the event. Well, he was like six years old. He ran to the patio and I followed him. The door was closed and he knee on the floor and I did the same. The door was a curious thing. Made of heavy word and painted minty green, it could only be open from the inside by pushing heavily. It was so hard that if it were not already opened, my brother couldn't have opened by himself. The door started to open. I could see the feet of my grandmother wearing a blue dress, carrying a white bucket. I asked them to stop because they were going to hit my brother in the head. My brother pulled the door and there was nothing on the other side. We ran outside. My mother came back 15 minutes later, my grandmother five minutes later. There was no one on the house. She was in an aunt house two blocks away and it was impossible for her to use other door than the front door. She was not even wearing the blue dress.

I am pretty sure that I imagined her. The same way I imagined so many things. Still, one riddle still stumble me: how did the door opened?

On Lucky

2010-10-15T23:22:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I went to drop my sister to school and when I came back my dog Lucky has been hit by car. Before anyone starts awing and feeling sorry for the damn dog, let me tell you, he had it coming. The damn dog likes to chase cars and it was a miracle he was not horribly killed before. He is stupid and smelly and lame and, more important, a damn dog.

Well, apparently, Lucky made honor to his name because from all the possible terrible outcomes, he only got a broken leg and road rash testicles. He still managed to gather all the sympathy and pity from strangers and relatives alike. While some family members were already willing to give every single damn dollar for the dog's cause, I was ready to put him to sleep if curing him cost more than five hundred bucks.

Five hundred bucks is the value of my love for Lucky. And no, I am not the vilest person, you have ever met. Do you know what it means to go all the way for a person?

I am not taking away the rights of the dog. By all means dogs should have rights but why should the pain and suffering of dogs, salamanders and chia pets be ahead of the pain of suffering of men, women and children. This peculiar aspect of the human condition did not pass unnoticed by the Cohen Brothers. Indeed the subtle, dry joke of No Country for All Men was the pity everyone felt for the slaughtered dogs surrounded by death people. We are willing to spend thousands of dollars to rescue a dog or a cat but somehow it is an offense to adjust the status of an undocumented student. After all, the dog is kind of innocent and the child is kind of guilty.

The dog is fine. It limps around the house and swings its tail to inform us that he wishes to be scratched in the ear. He is so well, that a couple of days ago, he escaped as I got into the house and chased a dude in a blue bike. I grab him by the neck and brought him back. That is when he remembered that he had a broken leg because he started cry like the son of a bitch he is. "Well" I said "you got a broken leg and your testicles were rashed by the road, the sad thing is, you learned nothing from it and will die a stupid death unless I save you from yourself."

Yes, it has harsh but I don't care. He is a dog and he has it coming. Still, I know that if you got a broken leg and your testicles rashed by the road, I would feel more empathy for you than for Lucky. Because you know, you're not a dog.

On a little intel.

2010-10-05T20:39:00.001-07:00

To all my loyal readers, my mom and Juang, here is a word on tips to make this blog a little more time wasteful.

First, you probably did not notice that recently blogs start with the word "on." No, I did not join the Illuminati and drop secret codes for wannabe Tom Hanks to figure out. I was trying to copy the Spanish version of The Simpsons were they read the title like "The Simpson on: Who Shot Mr. Burns?"

Well, after realizing how dumb it was, I change the story, in my mind. So, every time there is some possible entry, I always start with: My Two Cents on….

It might not help you but it definitely helps me. Sometimes two cents is exchange for the word rant. I wish I could change the name of the blog to My Two Cents or Rant of the Month or something like that since my topics are more diverse than the Dream Act. Oh, well too lazy to look for a solution.

Also, when a word is underlined and in color, it means that it has a link. No, is not for a porn site but close. These are usually the sources for any given comment, see, I'm trying to not write the first thing that comes to my head or rephrase someone else argument but to bring my own thoughts into the plate and use different sources to reach one opinion. Although, I withheld my right to rant to my heart's content. Feel free to look at them; many of them are videos and lectures that are much less boring that what meets the eye.

I am trying to write a blog per week but is often difficult given the time constrains. When I put the time to write something, it definitely shows, and if someone took the effort to read my opinion, it is fair that I spend some effort making something worth reading. Sadly, lots of things are going on at home and I need to fix them. Every time there is something to fix, script writing time and blog writing time end up losing the battle. I have been rude enough to ditch many of my chat room friends and even flesh and blood local buddies.

So, that's all. Please stay classy until next time.

On State of Affairs

2010-09-17T10:16:00.000-07:00

Th.is was probably the craziest week in a long time.

I had a ticket for driving without a license. After the second one, from the lawyer to the translator, everyone expected me to go to jail for 48 hrs. Needless to say, I was terrified and stressed. I have only seen jails in the movies.

So this was the week of hell to pay or so it seemed.

MONDAY: Went to PBS(public broadcast channel) where I volunteer. Received many compliments after clearing the office of a lay off employee in five hours. They expected me to last at least three days.

TUESDAY: Dreamactivist announced that Reid was going to attach the Dream Act to an appropiation bills. They were back up later by everybody else, including the man himself, Sen. Reid.

WEDNESDAY: Went to court, NEW JUDGE gave me community service to pay my debts to society. (a blog for that event is in the making).

THURSDAY: Was invited to eat cheesecake gelato. Spend my days calling Senators but realized I needed to do more.

FRIDAY: I am going to make some calls to some leaders, pastors and teachers. I am planning my actions for the following week.

So, it was going to be a hellish week but it turned out to be an awesome week.

On American Stupidity

2010-08-29T22:50:00.001-07:00

So, I was about to write about something else. Still, the Newsweek slide (really, article is too strong of a word for it) was too much of a temptation. Although the right name of should be On American Ignorance, well, there is nothing like a provocative name to give a boost, like the You Tube posts features close ups of butts, breast in the little link. So, the question is: Are Americans really ignorant?

The right answer is probably. For example, the earth rotates around the sun, we cannot see it for sure, it seems like the other way around but science has proved it, and we all feel its effects. The effects of American ignorance can be seen through the way it fed satire, shift culture and changed history.

The amazing Daily Show argument of whether Fox News was dumb or evil is a good example. It was just hilarious to see them debate and prove their case. Still, one can argue that Fox is both evil and ignorant but that is another blog entry. The most amazing piece of satire on the subject was from the Onion News where the headline Happy Healthy Obamas out of Touch with Miserable Americans really set the tone. It is a telling segment in more than one ways.

First, Obama as a whole is an insult to the average American. His impeccable image of a gifted who earns his place in history the hard way is both inspiring and heartbreaking to all the Homer Simpsons of America. Yea, you can be against the dude or even disappointed on him but come on, he is the first damn black president of the US of A! And only a Homer Simpson would believe he got a pass for being black. And probably he is the best dude for the job because come on, McCain got crazy and he was with crazy and Hilary Clinton is with Mr. Smart but so horny is distracting us from her talent.

Oh God, please remember the Dark Ages when Bush was in office. Yea, his popularity dropped in the last year but it is common with all presidents. Maybe Gore won but he defeated Kerry fair and square. Bush got what he called "political capital" and we are still paying that expenditure, literally. Look at Sarah Palin who is Bush with a skirt and no, Bush ain't no pit bull. He is an idiot. What I am trying to say with these horrible, scarring memories is that Bush was liked among many people. Palin is quite popular. We love idiots because we are idiots. Smarts and talent remind us how useless we are. Yea for a while we saw the err of our actions but it prove too hard to change and we are back to our old habits.

Ana from The Young Turks, really nailed the coffin when complaining how The Situation was going to make an estimate of five million bucks while a bright dreamer was not able to get a college loan. In the common sense department, it shows that our beloved capitalistic system is in the highway to hell. In the way our cultural consciousness is wired, it makes perfect sense. The Situation is like us, probably because his capacities to display stupidity we can even look down on him and laugh, though he clearly has the last laugh. The other causes outrage and fear. Here is an over achiever who despite her many, many obstacles achieve a great thing. She reminds us of our mortal flaws. That is why she is someone to despise.

Even some of the comments from the MSN slide, really show this point. Many people keep self pitying themselves, complaining that politicians are out of touch with the middle class. Clearly, there is no distinction between education and wealth. George W. Bush was always rich. Most of the laws he did, deeply affected the middle class and benefited the richest 1% of the population. Obama in the other hand was a community organizer in Chicago. It was a long time ago but he actually met and had relationships with poor people. So, really understanding, what Bill Moyers poetically described as, the other America, the one we all deny but none the less most of us live in, is not a necessary condition for being one of us. Yet, Bush is one of us and Obama is an elitist. You can be rich and one of us or poor and one of them.

So who is at fault for our current state of affairs? Well, we can trace many culprits, for example the media, the school system, the working conditions, the Republican Party and, of course, heavy metal. After all, if the documentary the Power Elite was good for something, it was to remind us that the Clinton years were no good for the working poor, long hours of work for little pay. After the disastrous housing bubble the pain even got to the middle class. The anger that we see now through The Tea Party Movement is not a recent phenomenon but the bottled anger of decades of tricked down economics. Who has the time to get educated? Thus, who has the knowledge and time to figure out if the kids are getting educated? (This is a double tragedy because it assures yet another generation of idiots in the making.) Who has the time to check out if Sarah Palin's death panels are for real? Isn't it easier to believe in crazy conspiracy theories than to analyze reality?

Still, at least part of the causes can be found in our own laziness and arrogance. We are too lazy to get educated and too arrogant to prove ourselves wrong. As a result, we are willing to pay top buck to anyone willing to tell us how right we are. We want to hear how Hussein had weapons of mass destruction. We want to hear how the cupacabra was really a inbreed experiment by the CIA. It is sometimes heart breaking to find out that many of the Jehovah witnesses that knock at my door have yet to finish reading the Bible. THE BOOK they use to PROVE everyone else wrong. They just hear that someone said that this is in the Bible and take it as it is without checking and they hear that someone says that something else is wrong and they take it as it without checking it. The result is disaster.

How many of the people who scream death panel could find out they were wrong by simply reading the damn bill which is freely available? How many people would have find out that there was no case for the war in Iraq if they have dig for information about the subject. How different the world would be if every one of us could take responsibility for the society we live in.

Being smart is not a factor or talent but of hard work. In life, no matter how talented you are, a person who is disciplined enough to work hard every day will always beat you. An educated person can turn into an ignorant idiot if the wealth is not constantly being reinvested. An ignorant person can become educated by just working hard.

Then again, it is wise to be ignorant if you choose not to be proven wrong.

On Moderate Dreamers

2010-08-21T21:51:00.000-07:00

No, it is not a typo. There is such a species in the spectrum of undocumented youth. There is even such a thing as conservative dreamers. That is dreamers who agree 99% with the Republican Party core principle values with the exception of that 1% that would deport them to where ever they came from.

Is there something wrong with being conservative or moderate? certainly not. If something every single human in this world has the right to their own point of view. And if chickens were proven to have points of view, the hell they should.

I am not going to debate about conservative dreamers. After all, how can anyone debate about something when even legal conservatives (which sounds like preservatives) sound like they are AGAINST their own core values. If they are so in favor of the free market, why are they against undocumented workers? If something the USA law is currently holding down the free market.

I think moderate dreamers are haunted by the same demon moderates in general are haunted by. The demon of over-analyzing. Instead of letting their own principles and feelings rule their position, they want to see the argument each side has. That is not bad into itself, especially if the individual has no idea what is the debate.

We all know that being an extremist is bad. No one wants to be crazy like Sarah Palin or the interviewers of Democracy Now. No, everyone wants to side to logic, reason and what is best for the common wealth. Everyone wants to be smart and, even more important sound smart.

The problem is that by doing that, more than one dreamer is caught giving excuses for the extreme right. Understanding their argument is one thing, accepting it is another. For example, undocumented immigrants who are caught committing a crime, from the serious to the benign. Yes, they committed a crime and yea, they are not American citizens but that does not warrant taking someone's rights or not giving them rights. If the crazy Oklahoma bomber had rights, why can't a dreamer with a DUI or a fake ID have rights.

Also, just as a reminder, conservatives consider anyone moderate a liberal and any liberal a communist. If you're a moderate and a minority then you're a communist too, case in point, President Obama. So, if your point of view is not Glen Beck crazy, then my friend, you're a communist and your opinion is invalid. You are also a criminal no matter what you say and how you entered the country. Thus, your opinion is even more dubious.

And that is the mighty weapon of the extreme right. And oh, how effectively their use it! There is nothing worst that being accused of being an extreme leftist just by agreeing with the Dream Act. Even though is around the most moderate bill ever to grace the USA legislation process. No, because sound...sound? conservatism means deport them all. Any kind of legislation that would give a benefit to any undocumented immigrants (or legal resident, let's face reality) is wrong, and against conservative principles... Probably, no one has checked those a while ago.

Still, once you're accused of being a liberal, your opinion is wrong. You are dumb and that goes against the main want of being smart, and more importantly, sound smart. That is the Achilles feet of the moderate set of mind, their incredible vanity.

If you do not believe that, why is the Democrat party, a group for the most part moderate, so intimidated by Republicans who are a minority. Yea, Democrats do not want to be accused of being leftist because the left does not exist in America. Even the most liberal people in America are uneasy with the word left. That is why the word liberal is still a bad word and the term progressive was invented.

So yes, have an opinion but make sure is your own opinion. Also, remember to judge yourself with the same severity that you judge the world. Then everyone can blame you for being a jerk but no one will ever claim that you are unfair. That make me sound smart and for that I am happy.

Easy

2010-08-17T21:40:00.000-07:00

As the title says, there is something about political movement that makes it hard for me to say no.

I was invited to a conference call for the Dream Act. The position in my head: I am not going to be part of any kind of activity. What actually happened: I am already involved.

What the hell!!!!?????

I cannot believe there are no standards whatsoever on my behalf. Specially, because it is still unsure if I can deliver. After all, my schedule is already very busy. It is not like my usual dealing let me have some free time on my own.

Well, time will tell. I strongly believe that the only way to find out if you cannot do something is to actually attempt to do it. If I managed, then alright, if not, at least I tried.

I am doing more research on ways to go to Mexico. Still, since most of the information is not completed, the blog cannot be posted yet.

Going Back

2010-08-14T20:00:00.000-07:00

Well as mentioned on DAP a while ago. I wanted to exchange tips about going back to Mexico. It is hard because I am a flake that almost never delivers on past promises. Actually, since I am still on the process of planning how to get to Mexico, it felt too naïve to make a tip blog.

First of all, this is a very intimate choice. Only you can decide what the best possible action is giving your current circumstances. Only you know your work experience, education level, English and Spanish knowledge and the state of affairs in your current community.

The very best people to ask questions would be your own parents. Not because they know what is going on in your country of origin but because they are immigrants. They know what is like to leave everything behind for a brighter future and I am sure that just in their anecdotes you can get a sense of what is like.

Let’s face it, most Dreamers qualify as natives, many speak English better than Spanish, know USA history more than their country of origin history, understand USA culture and customs. Yes, even if you only hang out with paisas, Mexicans in the USA are Americanized. That is why many immigrants return back to the USA after a while.

Now, in other practical terms, Google map the area where you wish to live. First the state, then the city and if possible the street, if Google allows you to check from street view do so. Just grab the orange dude and drag him into your desired location. This will give you an idea of what is going on. If the place you want to see is a place you don’t know, do not only check around the tourist pretty places or the expensive neighborhoods. Check the blocks that are not so pretty because most likely than not, you are not going to live in a gated community right away.

Also, check the internet for local stations and see if you can stream the news. They are a challenge because most have some form of web site and even some videos but they are hard to find. Even in the wiki most links do not work. Search by station on the net and find their web site.

In general, national news programs are a vague form of entertainment, even when light fluffy, local news are concerned with businesses, politicians and laws that have a direct impact in your life. Thus, watching badly created, local news from your state is more important than watching slick national news.
Also, look for newspapers and web sites created for the locals and not for tourists. Check the ads and get an idea of the prices of houses, cars, and the groceries.
Finally, check the Bolsa de Trabajo and see all the possible jobs and wages. There are some internet sites that offer this service and, in Mexico, a government institution. See if you can qualify for a job and check the wages. Also, check the wages for an entry level job in your mayor.

All this actions are going to give you a sense of what to expect. If this makes you question whether or not to stay, it is natural. However, only you know deep inside what is the best thing to do for yourself. And if you know that your best option is over there, after a while, you’re going to look forward to this new phase of your life.

Lay Away

2010-08-09T19:11:00.000-07:00

After reading the last entries, I sure hope no one is reading this. Apparently, all the random things that cross my mind, are furiously typed undiluted whether they make sense or not. Yea, the goal of the month was to write more in the movie blog but because that actually requires thinking - instead of babbling- it is... it is just it.

So technically, I am not procrastinating. Yet, I am not doing what I am supposed to do. I want to do a couple of versus movies pinning one movie against the other, like The Blob(original) vs The Blog (the eighties version).

Still, I want to rant. Since rant is easier than critique, then rant it is.

Project Runaway

2010-08-08T17:31:00.000-07:00

Against all my goof efforts, I am once again hook on Project Runaway. Yes, I am a fan of the show and for a while, the love was gone.

Well I can understand why some former fans now hate the show. Clearly, the producers have too much say over who wins each challenge. Some times, the show gives too much attention to the bickering and not to the competition itself.

Also, no matter how hard any contestant works, in the end, the competition is unfair itself. Every creative process is unique. Some people need hours, even days to produce something good.

Even in this blog, not all entries where created equal. Some took days even weeks to produce and create a beat and structure while others were written as fast as I type them. Thus, is unfair to ask everybody to wipe one dress in 12 hours when some people thrive on time lines and pressure while others need time and space.

So, yea I do think all the contestant are talented and hard working. Even the ones who created lousy dresses. Yes, this is not the reason why I am hook again.

Mostly is because I am rooting for Casanova -yea that's his damn real name- and his trials. Although the show had contestants from many cultures and backgrounds. He is perhaps the one who speaks the less English.

As an individual who had to learn English the hard way. I am impressed by his guts of entering this competition without questioning his talents. Any normal person would wondered not only if they were good enough as designers, let alone wondering if they understand enough English to be there. He might had but heck he ate his fears and did what he felt it was best for his career.

He is also the least Americanized he copies the behavior of the people around him without knowing if it is appropriate or nor. This cause some friction with other participants. He sees people asking questions so he asks questions but he does not understand when to say when and why some question should not be asked in a competition.

It is also shows the ignorance of many people towards people who speak English as a second language. Someone though he was fooling the judges pretending to know less to work the angles. After all, he speaks very well English with everyone else. But there is a difference. It is not the same to have a casual conversation where you can pretend to understand or gather the pieces and make a guesstimate. The level of English needed is also minor compare to a conversation where you need to know clearly what you need to do and what changes you must apply to become successful.

I am glad the show let him continue. After all from all the contestants who made bad dresses in the first episode, he was the most improve. I only hope that the show makes accommodations for him and bring a translator to clarify the assignments and early critique. That way, if he gets disqualified it would be his fault.

So, yea, if you like creative people, small bickering and pretty dresses. Watch Project Runaway.

I am my own follower

2010-08-07T22:08:00.000-07:00

So, I just learned that I am following myself on this blog.

Though I am always rooting for myself -if not me who will?- how did I ever became my own follower on google is paradox wrapped in a mystery. I just cannot remember.

It is possible it happened at the wee hours, while desperately trying to hit the sheets only to realized that is impossible.

There is nothing like the wee hours when tiredness combined with restlessness equals no good outcome.

Still, I am glad it was just me following myself and being my own fan. It can always be worst, like calling an ex or trying a new make up look. Nothing worst than waking up with smear red lip stick and eye shadow in the shade Your Pimp Beat You. Oh NO! Anything but that!

And no, I am not thatold. But sleeping and me do not mix well and some times it is easier to just stay up for 24 hrs. than to try to sleep being followed by waking up every 35 min. Needless to say, the 24th hour is always the foggy one.

And yes, I am probably crazy but I find the term offensive and prefer the term creatively eccentric.

2010-08-07T01:34:00.000-07:00

I would really love to have contact with any one who plans to move to their country of origin or have already done so. It feels very beneficial to share tips and goals and have people to rely on. Also, if anyone needs help, it would like to be of any help.

In my case, moving to Mexico, instead of Canada or England is a choice made with care. First, my parents own a house in Michoacan. Second, I have dozens of relatives. Third, I can always bail if things do not seem good. On the other hand, going to another country means finding a place, a job, getting accustomed to the new culture and getting to know lots of people really fast.

The cons are obvious, lots of insecurity, very low wages, getting accustomed to a new culture and hanging out with perfect strangers that share my genes. Still, in a way, I am looking forward to going back and seeing my grandfather again. The house where I grew up and all the places that for a while I though I will never see again. If something this is a bittersweet event.

Still, I am not planning to stay there forever. I understand that leaving to another state, and possibly, another country is a must if I want to accomplish any of my goals. I just do not want to make those decisions right now, when I am desperate and depressed.

Overall is nice to stop living in the present. Just like an animal that does not know if it will become prey in the next second. It is nice to become a human who, once again, plans and creates her surroundings and future. That is worth more than any sum of money.

Irritational

2010-08-02T17:15:00.000-07:00

You know, I wonder among when Mexicans will stop once for all stop being so damn nosy. Although stereotyping is bad, from all the array of Mexicans I have met through this life time of mine, 99% are nosy and intrusive.

The best part is that although women are blamed the most, men have their equal share on this phenomenon.

Usually, women want to find out the dirt on you to use it as a weapon or at least make fun of you with their close acquaintances. Yes, it is irritating and some times very dangerous. No joke that if some crazy woman cheats on her spouse, it is often a close relationship the one that exposed the embarrassing deed.

Men are even more irritating. They take a paternalistic approach for the most part. You talk to them about a problem and they do not listen but they give you advice, even if it is unwelcome.

Some times you don't need to talk to them. They just figure out what is wrong with you and tell you how to fix it. You order orange chicken at a joint and they enlighten you with the fact that is unhealthy and ruin the meal for you with their health advice.

Maybe is a collective low self-esteem. We need to feel better by making others look and feel bad about themselves. Maybe deep inside we are all jerks. Maybe is simply the inability to see our own flaws and focusing on them because that actually requires us admitting our reality.

If something is true about this, is that often the person that does the criticizing usually ignores their own flaws. The old sluts ripping apart a young girl who is wearing a mini skirt. Never mind that sluting around is worst than wearing a mini skirt. The girl, whose only crime is being hot enough to flaunt some leg, is not only equal in flaws, it is actually worst. The men who gave me healthy advice was actually in worst shape than me but he is wiser than me right?... right?

And no, I do not take Mexican men advice as less evil as women. Even if it is masked with well intentions, in the end, it has the same goal as ripping someone in the back; it is a way to put someone in their place. A way to show that insignificant little girl that no matter how smart or strong she is, she is only a mere girl who knows nothing in comparison to a strong, confident man.

And thus, the Mexican becomes a guardian who shelters their flaws and hides the short comings, not only to the world at large but even to love ones. What are the arrongant narco-corridos but gansta rap in Spanish. Music to flaunt the women, drugs, and dollars to hide the poverty, ignorance and insecurity.

After all, you do not want to be pray of the nosy police and be rip apart or lecture by someone worst off than you. Instead you hide your poverty and worries by flaunting what you don't have and finding the dirt of others to use it as cheap therapy.

Oh, how I wish to be better and to stand above the mere masses in this issue. Still, this entry sums up how I took my game into a whole different level. Still, I am trying to change, please give me a damn break. I am actually trying to clean my act.

On the bright side, it could be worst. We could be insecure American style. That would not only be sad but actually quite scary.

Replies

2010-07-29T21:01:00.000-07:00

I really wanted to reply to the last comment on the last blog but they were too long and boring. Instead, killing two birds with one stone by writing yet another long boring post.

Although choosing between staying in the USA or going back is a painful decision, it is also very liberating. I am no longer at the mercy of someone else who decides my life and limits my choices. As Cara said, is empowering.

As for politicians, they do only care for themselves. Still, that is a true of your nature and mine. I mean, this country has the right to exploit and abuse immigrants because it simply can. What we the powerless consider evil, they learned to rationalized into us being the evil ones.

In any place, group or entity where is power there is conflict. The human brain is capable of rationalized even the most evil of actions. Thus, the importance of the term division of power.

It is not up to politicians to change the course of action but up to people. If you consider politicians care about three things. First, the subject that are close to their hearts. Yes, it is surprising but politicians do have issues that are dear to them and will fight for them Second one, is voters because that keeps them hired and working on issues that matter, to the politician of course. Finally, funds to convince those voters to vote for the above mentioned politician. The more money the better.

If you think carefully most voters are the problem. If the healthcare debate was any good, it was to show the kind of people that politicians and the media cater to. They change of opinion fast, they didn't had a clue about the subject, they though they knew a lot and felt that everyone else, even experts didn't. The bill that became law was pretty much what voters wanted.

That does not mean everyone wanted. In the case of immigration, what I have seen from abusing employers to college students, is that THEY are doing us a favor by allowing us to stay illegally in their country. After all, we would be really poor and having bad time in Mexico, because we are all Mexicans yo' knaw.

We are hard working people when they need us and criminals when we ask for more. They don't give a damn if we are if we break the law if the lettuce is going to be cheaper.

I wish I was angrier. At this point, I feel nothing more. Just stating what I see even if it does not make sense to anyone but me.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-change

2010-07-24T17:10:00.000-07:00

So after weeks, rather months of heavy sucking, I finally came to the firm conclusion that I cannot take this shit any longer. So, the countdown to go back to Mexico has begin.

Is this what I want? heck no but it seems that from the array of choices, it is the best one. After all, it is rare for humans have the best option at their disposal. More often than not, we have to choose between choices that do not appeal to us at all.

Of course this has to do with the damn panic attacks. I need hope for the future. Tangible hope that tomorrow will be better than today because today is better than yesterday. Right now, there is no such thing.

This year I will aged out the current Dream Act bill. Furthermore, both the Dream Act and Immigration Reform feel impossible this year, thus impossible in the next couple of years. Meanwhile, I aged every year, life is not waiting for me, nor this country or anyone else. The only person that can put in motion my life is me and I want to live it at its fullest. Not some half shit because someday I'll get back to travel, work, marriage, kids, and a mortgage.

In all honestly, neither do I wish for the dreamers to stop dreaming. One day, it will be a reality, for all of them, it is just not a reality for me. It is okay.

Neither I am going to star whining that the bill should take away some sections because its unfair for me and blah, blah. That is a load of crap. A kid that arrived 5 years ago has as much of a right to adjust his/her status than me. Frankly, if the bill as it is has greater chances of passing. Then, the hell with me and let it ripe. How cruel for some people, to prefer to let children endure this pain than to allow something good to happen.

I have always fought with all the odds against me and some times I have won. Yes, it will be difficult and hard but whatever. I am still young and strong with all my body parts in their place. I love this country but there is a point where you have to love yourself even more.

And with that last line, I end. Otherwise I will keep blabbing on and on.

Fear of Death = Fear of Life

2010-07-18T18:36:00.000-07:00

After the last panic attack, I had to admit there was a problem. Ever since the car accident, at the age of twelve, death is mysterious companion of mine. However, it never had the meaning it has now. It is very different to know or to understand something than to feel it with all the intensity of your soul.

All of the sudden, all my goals, worries and problems felt pretty futile. I will die anyway and in less than one hundred years, it would be as if I was never here. Why bother?

More than fearing extinction, I feared the death of others. No longer to be able to see my mother, my father, my friends and enemies. Suddenly, the death penalty felt too harsh.

But then again, why fear death? It's inevitable dark shadow will always lurk around to take every one of us into a place we don't know. No, horror is not fire or ice, it's the emptiness that comes with eternity. After all, forever is a heck of a long time and everything that starts must end sooner than later.

No, it is not the fear of death that makes me shiver and forces the tears out of my eyes. It's the fear of life. Life that is always random, light, movement, chaos and change. It the life that enters my lungs with every breath and purifies my blood with every heart beat. It is life not death the real beautiful horror that refuses to let go.

Now, if this is confusing, there is an example. Imagine a horror movie where a band of horny teenagers are trapped inside a mansion where a monster is lurking.

There are two options:
a. Wait there in the safety of the room where everyone is gather.
b. Go out and find a way out.

Most horror movies go to B without too much pondering because it will be boring to watch horny teenagers trap in a room for two hours. Still, a is what most people would do. They would keep the current safety and bury themselves in a corner and pretend to be okay when everything is wrong.

In reality they are far from safe, the monster will get to that room and give them what is coming to them . Yet, in the meantime they are safe and they are too scare to think beyond their noses.

People who chose b are choosing life. No kidding, there is a huge chance of dying right now. There are little chances of getting out. Still, in the other hand, they are cheating death because they are acting. They are moving, reacting, feeling. They are living as death runs after them.

So, I am afraid of living. I am afraid of doing what has to be done in order to live. I act as if I was waiting for life but in reality life is waiting for me to fly away into chaos and change that comes to the people to fill every minute with the light of life.

Curiously enough living as you die is not the same as dying as you live. It took me a while to get it. No, it does not make death less bitter but it does make life more sweet and that, that is enough for me.

Abstract

2010-07-12T17:49:00.000-07:00

Justice is the stuff that people talk as if it was like air, invisible but surrounding every aspect of our lives.

It does not exist.

There are laws but those laws are rules. They were created to stop people from doing something. Sometimes laws stop people from hurting others. Sometimes laws are created to hurt people.

Laws have nothing to do with justice.

If there is any justice in this world. It is not like air but like blood. Floating in and out of your heart. It is structured by education but at the root, it is compassion. Compassion developed of living, living with others and with yourself.

If only there is any justice in this world.

No, there is no justice outside, waiting for you to find it. It cannot be conquer, it cannot be bought. Either you developed inside or you don't have it.

In any case,

A person without justice is not a person.

If the rules on which you set your life only apply to others but not for yourself.

You are not a person.

If the laws of others are imposed to you by force and they do not apply it to themselves, you are not a person.

Needless to say, there are fewer people on this world than what the eyes sees.

In any case, those who are non-people have the right to seek justice.

And those with justice have the right to impose justice to non-people.

And there is nothing more to say.

From a non-person to you. Take it or leave it but is here.

Oooppp... They Did it Again

2010-06-28T22:59:00.000-07:00

As a general rule any form of end of days time line has always been taken lightly in my head. Not right now, every time I go to bed is with the fear that the freaking Mayans were right and that life as we know it will end in 2012.

Although my state of mind is always melancholic, it has never reached this level. Perhaps because even in the worst case scenario, I always felt that I could do something no matter how small it was my contribution.

When Katrina and Haiti were destroyed, I was given the options to donate money. Even gave cans of food to help the people in Sudan. As for my legal status, the choice of being here or in Mexico is always a choice.

Hearth broken, I had to read how some people felt it was BP responsibility to fix what they broke. Although in principle it is correct, if there is a time when principle can kiss our butts, it is now. In my book, it is a load of crap.

When tragedy strikes some part of the world, people who deny help are seen as jerks. They are publicly destroyed for their cruelty. True, Sudan and New Orleans had their issues but to still, people suffered and some form of relief was needed.

Neither it is unnatural that corporations get some form of aid when they screw it. Banks were rescued by taxpayers and so did the car industry. Still, Toyota was demonized because it is perceived as a “foreign” company. Never mind that their cars are safer than any American car ever made. The banks were given money for sucking because they were too big to fail.

So why everyone does feels that both the USA government and BP need to fix it all? It is not a crime against the Southern States or the Gulf of Mexico, or even humanity; it is a crime life itself. I hate to burst anyone’s bubble but this tragedy is too big for the USA or BP to fix.

So, we need a telethon urging people around the world to donate money to fix this mess. We need freaking Bono to make a song about it. We need Sean Penn to go in a little boat into the oily waters to save pelicans.

More important, we need to realize that oil corporations are a monopoly and they behave as such. By nature they dislike for innovation –which is risky, costly and could produce new competition.

Yes, it is time to find some new form of energy resource to stop drilling for obsolete oil. There is no such thing as solutions only tradeoffs. It requires more than BP, it requires us, as humans. After all, a corporation is not a person. It gives a damn if it dies in 2012 but how about you? Do you give a damn?

Nothing Else To do

2010-06-06T19:01:00.000-07:00

The name says it all. I could go with lazy good for nothing Lucky (my sister's dog) but I am tired of spoiling them both.

Panic

2010-05-25T22:35:00.000-07:00

So, I was ready to hit the sheets. In my bed, dozing off as the Kink’s I go to Sleep was on.

Mmmm….maybe I should add, Starry, Starry Night to that list. (Never mind that I do not have that song). Anyway, tomorrow there is work and Sarah needs to be picked from school. I wonder if I can buy some Chinese food and smuggle it to my room without my family finding out and demanding some. Oh, I have to organize all this files and then must start to walk again although right now is raining. I wonder if I am going to die. I think I am going to die. Soon.

Fear. I don’t want to die. Is consciousness going away? I do not believe that Shakespeare is eternal through his work. I believe life is consciousness, in breathing at the moment and feeling at the moment and experiencing at the moment. Is there something else? No, I do not believe there is nothing else, I do not believe that all humanity dies and goes someplace else. Maybe some, some who have gone beyond animals and turn into people. Please grandmother talk to me from beyond, tell me that you are there and that your will come and pick me up.

No. she is not coming. She is dead. I refuse to believe that humanity is like maggots in a corpse. First, one or two then a billion eating the rotten flesh that is the world until there is nothing and everything is gone. I am leaving. My mind is fading and that is that. Panic. I don’t want to die.

Still, when my grandparents died everybody said that there was relief in their faces. Eventually we all must die. But I cannot accept it. I won’t accept it. I want to live. I want to remain alive. I don’t want to face into nothingness. Maybe death was a relief for them. Maybe they were tired of fighting the world, of fighting themselves. Maybe the burden of life keeps growing as the years go by, until it becomes unbearable. I don’t believe it. I don’t want to believe it.

Up. My chest hurts. The pain starts at my heart and it moves through my veins and my blood feeds it to my cells. Tears come through my eyes as I get up. I had a panic attack. The Kinks are still on. My hands are shaky and the tears keep coming out no matter how hard my hands wipe them out of my face.

My chest still hurts. Intense jolts of fear and a sense of dead still surrounding me. I am not going to die. Not today anyway. Maybe I might be prepared when it comes, after all, I have lots of practice with dying. For years death has come and kisses me, just to wave a see you later and said, not today but some day.

On Fairness

2010-05-13T00:02:00.001-07:00

It is only when it is about you that it is unfair.

Because that is unfair, to me, which makes it just unfair.

I mean, we all got a hand what does it matter if I deal the cards and set the rules. It is unfair. I say. It is unfair. That I deal the cards and set the rules and you won. It is not unfair when I deal the hands and set the rules and win because that is the way the game is. That is the prize of my hard work. That is the reward of my virtue over your flaws.

If you want to win, play by the rules.

Just do not win.

Because that is unfair, to me, which makes it just unfair.

So, yea, the chips are not mine. They never were. They were inherited from someone else. Still, they are mine. If I throw them away or burn them or eat them, it is okay because they are mine.

So, I stole the chips. It is fair. It is fair to me which makes it just fair. It is part of the rules and if you want to win. You need to play by the rules.

There is only a problem when you pick them up and profit from them. Even worst, when you pick them up and double them up. It is only a problem when you work and make your own chips. It is even worst, if you create wealth with my waste. Again, play by the rules.

Just do not win.

Because that is unfair, to me, which makes it just unfair.

I have the right to tell you what is right and what is wrong. I have the right to impose my views over yours. It is never right for you to be right.

If you are ever right, I will ignore you and then say what you say and pretend it was my idea. You are not supposed to be smart, and if you are, is unfair to me, which makes it unfair.

The game will always be fair for everyone. Even though I deal the cards and set the rules. In the game, everyone should win. If you lose, is because you are flawed.

If I lose is because you are flawed. Cheater. If you played by the rules and won, then the rules are unfair and must be changed. And again, if you played your cards right, you should win.

Just do not win.

Because that unfair, to me, which makes it unfair.

It is only when is about you that it is unfair.

Because it should always be about me.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

2010-05-10T02:24:00.001-07:00

I have difficult to sleep. Ever since I had that accident where I almost died, sleeping is an issue. Sleeping is a way of dying. You are just lying there without feeling happy or eating or hanging out with someone you care. Yes, it sounds stupid but going to sleep and never waking up does makes me nervous.

It is not always the case. Many nights I am able to go bed and get a good rest. Sometimes is easier to accept the fact that sooner than later I will die and my body will rot away and the person that I am will cease to be. It does not matter if you believe in heaven or hell or anything of the likes. The person you're right now will no longer be. God only knows if you will ever see the person you love the most or not. Heck, all logic points out that God does not know because he/she/it does exist. Nonetheless, the odds were against me more than once and so far so good. I believe I put my chips in God, after all, is not like I am going to lose more if there is not a white bearded men looking after me.

I can imagine some people telling me, but girly…you will die some day, shit happens, face reality, and to all those people I say screw you! Clearly, you have not come to realize the fragility of your humanity as an SUV passes through you, pulls you by the dress and the chemicals in your brain get you bake so as to not feel the pain of your soul escaping your body. Dying sucks unless your life really, really sucks.

I guess that is the point. My life does not suck. I am surrounded by a small group of people that love me and that I love back. Yes, I am near destitution but working in what I love. Life could be so much better but is not greatly worst. In my current non-person condition, it is good to know that if you are lost someone will miss you and search for you. How many so call humans can say the same?

However, life demands to be lived, the same way that death demands cold, dark, stagnation. Oh, so many parts of me are buried and sleeping, like seeds in unfertile ground waiting for the spring to come back and create life. I cannot let my locked potential to be rot away but neither do I wish to let go of my present. My feet grew roots and cutting them will be as to cut a vital limb.

This is what some people defined being between a rock and a hard place.

Beef with the World

2010-05-03T18:35:00.000-07:00

So, why so many people in my area are becoming so increasingly and openly anti-immigrant? First, it was the Chico News and Reviews article where losers were actually cheering the pain of suffering of a deported family. Now, is the Red Bluff Daily News with an editorial of a woman grossly using the tragedy of a rancher killed in Arizona to blast against “illegals that do whatever they want.”

First of all, I am not happy for the death of that poor man. What happened to him no one deserves and I cannot even pretend to understand the pain his family must feel at the moment. I also believe everyone needs to be safe in their own home and the perpetuator should pay the consequences of his/her actions.

Still, I am not happy either that innocent people are being blame for the tragedy, neither that the death of this poor man is being used as an excuse for hate and to promote the kind of behavior that got him kill in the first place.

Finally, why does it matter how candidates in State and local elections feel about immigration? Not only is this an issue that can only be solved at the federal level, we are closer to Canada than to Mexico.

I do not believe people are evil or ignorant. They are hypocritical. Northern California depends on agriculture which depends of immigrant labor. Young people do not leave this area because immigrants are taking their jobs. Anyone with enough talent leaves because they want jobs that do not suck. That is why our Federal Congressman Wally Herger is against CIR and DA but fully supports AgJobs.

P.S. where the hell do they get that I can do whatever I want? If I could do whatever I wanted, I would not be near destitution, I would use my college degree to get a nice job. I would pay higher taxes for my high skill labor. So, please cut the crap, if you do not want us here, stop eating onions, watermelons and tomatoes, stop warming your house with wood. Stop upgrading your home and fixing your cars, STOP CONSUMING because every thing that you touch in Northern California has pass through the hands of an immigrant/latino first.

When Victims are Blamed

2010-04-25T14:58:00.000-07:00

Not that it matters but Arizona is death to me. They need to do some incredible thing, like giving universal healthcare or find a living Chupacabra for me to consider them credible as a group of individuals anymore.

Still, it shouldn’t be shocking anymore. This country is going to the dumps for the incapacity of anyone in this country to think beyond their noses.

A case in point is the House Bubble. Now, I am not a fancy big city lawyer but let’s examine the facts.

First, it was their extreme conservative economic ideology. The concept that regulating banks was going to destroy the free world. Then, their incapacity to think beyond six months, everyone knew that borrowers were not going to be able to pay their loans. Still, money was going to be made at the moment. The account balance was looking great at the moment. It did not matter what was going to happen in the long term. Finally, it was the demonization of the victims. John Twocents was to blame for borrowing too much money, for not understanding complex derivatives and honestly, for being an idiot a leech and lazy, ugly fat American.

Another good example is healthcare reform. First, the extreme economic ideology, the concept that regulating health insurance is going destroy the free world. The incapacity to think beyond six months, everyone knows that our current system is more expensive than effective. People paying their insurance only to be drop for getting sick. It does not matter that people are dying/bankrupt for lack of insurance. It does not matter that the current system will explode in the long term. Money was going to be made at the moment. Finally, it was the demonization of the victims. John TwoCents was to blame for not saving enough money, for not shopping around as an educated customer, for getting sick and honestly, for being an idiot, a leech and a lazy, fat, ugly American.

Finally, we get to immigration reform. First, the extreme economic ideology, the concept those immigrants are going to destroy the free world. The incapacity to think beyond six months, everyone knows the current set of laws are ineffective. They do not allow people to legally enter the USA to do the jobs that the USA needs them to do. People waiting decades for a chance to get a green card, entering illegally and kissing goodbye to their human dignity, businesses losing income because they need the high and low skills labor. Money is being made at the moment; social security receives incomes that will never be claim. Employers abusing, sometimes enslaving workers simply because they can. Finally, the demonization of the victims, Jose DosCentavos is to blame for not waiting decades when he needs and is needed right now. He is blamed for being abused and accused of being a burden.

In short, Jose DosCentavos is just another idiot, leech, lazy, fat, ugly American.

Blame it to Dario

2010-04-12T17:52:00.000-07:00

Oh God, so long ago without a post. It is easy to see that I have no life to talk about. Nonetheless, it's still Dario Argento's fault.

So, I have another blog dedicated to review movies that can be found for free on the net. No, not the kind people download illegally but the ones featured in different web sites paying copyright to the rightful owners. Yes, it sounds lame. I am an old woman and I want to watch free movies but too afraid to break the law.

Anyway, I was reading the IFC website and the list of the Worst Sex Scenes tantalized me. If you are under age, please stop reading and watch Dora the Explorer instead. So, to my surprise the Phantom of the Opera was in there. That is, the version created by Master of Horror Dario Argento. Even greater coincidence the movie is on the net for anyone who cares. It was like God sending me a message, telling me to watch and rate this movie.

This is where my writer's blog started. I cannot write a review for this movie. It is such an epic fail, that I stop writing altogether, spending my days and nites, thinking how to approach this movie. So much to say... but how?

So, that's that. Shaking my fist@Dario for this movie.

btw, if you know of a site, where I can watch movie in the public domain or legally posted, please send me a link. Currently, I am stuck on You Tube, Crackle, Hulu and the Internet Archive.

Untitled

2010-03-13T20:04:00.001-08:00

My name is Alejandra. I was 19 when my sister was born, in a moment of tenderness, I thought to myself, I wish you never grow up…and she almost did. My sister developed a rare form of epilepsy that almost destroyed her brain and slowed her development. It was a moment of stagnation.

After her recovery, she has change and become a new person. Still, the basic fierce perseverance of her humanity remained. No matter how much she runs, she is the little baby I held in my arms.

I believe in change. Yes, I am afraid of the chaos and the unknown. Still, walking through the darkness to the light is a billion times better than decomposing under a rock. I look back to the past to learn from my mistakes and to see if the core pillars of my principles are still intact but my home is the unknown where the future awaits for me.

A Note to Self

2010-02-27T04:04:00.001-08:00

The worst possible human flaw is selfishness. Although debate is welcomed, and many people might have their idea of many other possible damming flaws, selfishness still has a malevolent flatulence that only it can call its own.

My favorite selfish person is one that is also narcissistic. The kind of individual that hides his/her arrogance with altruism and portrays his/herself as a martyr who is fighting and sacrificing for a cause, when in reality is just seeking adulation and/or wealth

Selfishness transcends race, nationality and gender. It is never bad to be selfish by itself. After all, individuals have to look for their own interests but selfishness in excess is as vicious as violence and as repugnant as ignorance. The selfish person often uses both as weapons stop opposition. It hides under religions, laws, principles and moral codes to justify its ugly nature and give a positive spin to negative actions.

It touches everyone's life at the most basic level. From the people who do not pick their own trash in the park to those in government who stop the needed reform in health, immigration, social security and other important issues.

Everyone has the right to look for their self preservation. That is true, like the nigh is dark but selfish people are willing to destroy themselves and everyone around them to get what they want. They are unwilling to look at the other side. A gram of comfort is more important than the pain of suffering of their fellow human kind. They ask for everything each of us has to offer but curse like sailors when they are ask to give a little.

Sometimes, they are asked to give nothing but nonetheless they will destroy the whole world in a whim if someone is granted a basic simple right. Why is so wrong that homosexuals get married? Why is so wrong to adjust the status of people who are already working and contributing to the whole? Why let someone die in the richest country in the world because they cannot afford health care?

Sometimes I wonder who is the most selfish, the one who gathers around a crowd of fearful and hateful or the one who smirks at them as if they were silly baboons. The one who screams laud enough to shut the voices of many or the one who only rants in blogs...sometimes, I wonder if I am not the most selfish one of them all.

Step by Step

2010-02-13T20:34:00.001-08:00

So, yesterday I was terrified for no good reason. Then cried a little bit, which was annoying. There was a time when nothing could make me cry. Terribly things could happen and more than hiding it, there was nothing there. Those days are over, yesterday I cried over an M&Ms commercial. I guess it is better because every few months or so, I would collapse in bed due to the intense pain all over my body. Yes, feeling nothing is worst than feeling everything.

Well, there might be a reason. After the damn Dream Act summit in Sacramento, I decided to give political advocacy another shot and decided to do something besides blogging and ranting on the net. After meeting with a fellow Dreamer from the local area, we developed a plan to do something small. Sometimes, real meaningful action comes, not by becoming the Mexican Martin Luther King Jr. but by doing what you can, no matter how small it is.

So change is more than Obama drinking a light beer? Who knew? I was also afraid when I decided to go back to writing. Because you know, it's important for my-self and it makes me happy and loved it and so forth. So why doing what you really want is so hard? After all, it's what you want?

Well, because happiness is not like pleasure. Pleasure is instant joy and happiness sometimes requires long term boredom and pain. I guess 'cause I am not Coca-Cola incorporated, an expert in joy. Sometimes happiness requires change and change, more often than not, requires shifts in old habits. Habits, you had lived with your whole life. Those are part of you and you love yourself. So, why do you want to change if you love your lazy butt so much?

Sometimes you heart has been broken one too many times to give hope and change another shot. Political activism has made me more cynical and cruel due to the uncanny ability of enemies and allies to get greedy, drunk by teaspoon of power and out of focus. That covers me as well. Because politics is power and power is the stuff that does not change you, it only shows your true colors.

In conclusion, I have no idea what I am talking about. Only that I am making changes in my life and I am afraid because even if it is dark and cold where you are, God only knows what awaits you once you move from under the rock and walk into the beyond searching for light.

Came Back from Sacramento

2010-02-03T18:13:00.000-08:00

I came back from the Stand Up for the Dream Capitol Summit. At the moment had the chance to speak with Senator Cedillo among other people of interest. Not only that but had the chance to meet some astounding dreamers. I just remember mumbling some words which sounded cold and superficial. Well, to be real it was not only me but several of the dreamers in the room acted the same. It is hard to retain a straight face when something so meaningful and intimate is shared. Thus, you end up acting in a way that protects you and prevents you from breaking down in front of more 100 people.

I miss the opportunity to have lunch with Liz Mateo, Ju and Gloria. In a way, it was conforming, I cried all the way home. Came back feeling pain through my whole body. My dad kept nagging that it was because I had almost 24 hours without drinking or eating or much sleep. It is probably true.

Also true, I am tired. All my years came to me in a punch without asking if I was ready to be tired. All that endless hungry ambition that allowed me to withstand hunger, cold and any obstacle in the way is simply gone. Year after, after year of working without rest, first for my education, then for my job and then for the Dream Act, I am simply too tired to just give more and then asked to give more when is time to collect the rewards. I cannot, I will not stand another shut down in my face if Dream is put on hold for the good of CIR and I will not withstand another CIR is too important and has to wait to make it right and I will not withstand another the country has other priorities than a handful of wetbacks.

Going to that meeting was like someone removing the dagger from my heart and allowing me to bleed and bleed until I drained. But I am not drained because it is still painful and it still hurts.

None the less, I give up more for Dream. More than because of optimist or ambition or hope because of compulsion. Because that is the only thing I can do. Because I cannot stand someone else feeling the way I feel right now. Because I learn to give it all and cry later when I am called a thief and the fruits of my labor are rip from my hands.

I am going to defeat you so bad; you’re even going to realize that you lost

2010-01-25T00:35:00.001-08:00

So, I came back to blogging. After finishing the work season, there was not much left to do. Still, for some reason sharing my two cents feel pretty awkward. For once, I don't want to give my unwelcome opinion anymore since it seems it hurts more than it helps. For second, there are certain points and decisions in my life on which I have no wish to receive advice or words of encouragement. Thus, it was better to just not say anything at all.

So, why write? Well, there are three main reasons:

My hands hurt when I write. I used to be able to write page after page but the lack of writing left my hands out of shape.
I am forgetting my Spanish and not learning English: I am both sucking at English and Spanish. My spelling is horrible at best. Right now, I am at the level of a middle school graduate. By august, I predict my linguistic capabilities to be compared to those of a thawing chicken. By December, all will be lost and I will skink to the levels of George W. Bush.
I am getting dumber: no kidding, my brain broke up with me and it seems it has no intentions of coming back. I used to deconstruct Fellini like peeling and orange. Now, I cannot peel an orange without getting acid in my eye. I am eroding into an ameba. I can see it clearly, my mind and nature becoming one, where I am nowhere and everywhere at the same time. Once that moment hits, MTV's reality shows will be fun to watch.

So, there it is, my reason to write again. If you are out there and like it, write a comment. If you are there and don't like it, lie to me. If you are not out here, I'll pretend you're just shy.

Well....

2009-05-27T03:05:00.000-07:00

So, I looked at the last post and clearly, you guys like to read the quiet desperation of the illegal way more than any other topic. Either that or you were too ashamed to admit that you read in the bathroom. Well, finding inspiration is hard, so those take a while.

I guess, it is okay. Still, even if one person reads the blog, I feel obligated to give something worth his/her time. At the same time, everyone needs a break from the tortuous poetic beauty of the dreamer experience. So yea, some times I might jump out of character. If you don't like a posts, send me an email. Just challenge my intellect, no one likes meaningless rants.

A-Z Horror In the Throne

2009-05-03T16:45:00.000-07:00

So, I was visiting a friend and went to the bath. When going to someone else's bath, and there is a level of trust, one sees things that no person should. It does make you wonder about the other person.

He had a copy of Clive Barker's A-Z Horror. Who the hell reads a book about horror movies in the can? Although I just adore horror movies, can't get enough of the subject, I cannot imagine myself looking at promotional pictures of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre while doing my thing.

Sorry, for this rather un-classy subject. Maybe after a long, hard day, he gets into the bathtub for a soak. You know, with the candles and rose petals, maybe a box of chocolates and a detailed account of the impact of Evil Dead in modern horror.

Still, whose the weirdo of the story, him for reading this in the bath, or me for finding it strange. You'll be the judge!

Ranting With Style

2009-05-02T23:25:00.000-07:00

So, there comes anger, sadness, paranoia and peacefulness. Like waves, my emotions get the best of me. Right now, I am piss off.

There are many ways of saying what you want, without sounding like a wild teenager in the Maury Show. One thing is to say, “The people who used the flags of the country of origin, did a stupid mistake. They were detrimental in the purpose of the action and harm the overall intended message. If they are not going to help, at least they shouldn’t be part of the problem. Please give a break to us, the ones who are working hard for The Dream Act and CIR and don’t make mistakes like that.”

I agree with that. Also, those who made the mistake would see your point and respect it, maybe change their minds and do marches the right way. More important than posting on Facebook, You Tube or Twitter, speak to the ones who committed the offense. Tell them in their face, that what they did is ineffective. Of course, that is hard to do, to rant stupid things in the internet, on the other hand, is quite simple.

Just saying “mexicans are stupid for parading with their flag, who the fuck they think they are with their pride they need to march to where they came and stay there.”

It reminds me of this comment:

The answer to your question is they don't deserve anything courtesy of the US taxpayer. Millions of citizens graduate high school every single day yet when they prepare to go to college out of state, they have to pay out of state rates. The circumstances of Dreamies are NOT special other than they have managed to lie, cheat and steal in order to obtain an American college degree by any means necessary. They need to take their ill gotten gains and use them to help raise their 3rd world countries out of poverty. But it's easier for them to remain here in all of their arrogance and delusional racial superiority and demand we foot their bills.

Additionally, they claim they can't go back because they aren't familiar with their homelands. Neither they nor their parents were familiar with America but they sure did learn how to skirt every law possible to remain here. Proof that it is not impossible for them to go home and adjust to the country they so proudly support but are too lazy to make liveable. It's much easier to stay here and demand everything after all we've already done all the heavy lifting.

It's time for them to blame and hold their criminal parents accountable for their actions but of course they won't do that because they have been raised to believe that nothing is ever their fault.

Do you really think this person is going to like you just because, you are insulting the marchers…and they call me optimist. Actually, as horrible as the comment is, it managed to be smarter and better crafted than the posts of many dreamers. This comment I can respect, even if I do not agree with it.

On the other hand, look at what DreamActvist.org did. The whole message was right on the spot; first they only focus on the dreamers. Second, they are only focusing on the positive, which creates a sense of power, energy and momentum, not of failure, resentment and impotence.

If we want to win, this is the type of message we need to craft, as individuals and independent activists of our cause. Who cares if you lose the battle, you will win the war. Isn’t that the goal that matters?

Untitled

2009-04-16T21:24:00.000-07:00

They are telling me to wait….a little longer. I listen to their soft voices and look at their compassionate eyes. Their intellect, well above mine dictates that politics and such and such will take a while. That is the way I understood life and the way the world understand me. Everything is in equilibrium.

I have been waiting for fifteen years. I waited while in the desert and no one came. I was thirteen and afraid. I was thirteen and I died but didn’t found out until it was too late.

I waited while in high school. My dad lost part of his finger. The firm made him sign up papers in English, saying that it was his entire fault.

I waited through community college. My father put his wages into a house. His boss told him that since he could not own a house, it was better to put the house under his name. It is now, the boss house.

I waited through college. We filed a lawsuit against the boss. The Judge told our lawyer that it was feasible for my father to accept a 50% cut on his wages at the same time his boss buy a house in a town 50 miles away from where he lived. Maybe illegals accept those types of wage cuts.

I waited after got a job. I was earning half of what other people would earn.

I waited while my mother lost her ID and the cops told her that she cannot file a complaint because she does not exist.

I waited while my land lord decided not to give me my deposit back and the Consumer affair staff, told me that I cannot file a report because I am an illegal alien.

I am asked to wait, just a little longer. Wait to live, to travel, own a house, get a camcorder, get a real job, buy a car, pay high taxes, get a health insurance, get Master’s degree, fulfill my dreams, fight back, get respect, go outside and claim the sun, the wind, the earth, the north, the south, the east, the west, ect.ect.ect.ect.ect.ect.ect.ect.ect. ect.ect.ect. ect.ect.ect.ect.ect.ect.ect.ect.ect. ect.ect.ect. ect.ect.ect.ect.ect.ect.ect.ect.ect. ect.ect.ect. ect.ect.ect.ect.ect.ect.ect.ect.ect. ect.ect.ect.

You are in fact, asking me to wait for my humanity. There, lost in the Arizona desert, crying for me and asking me to go back and claim her as mine and mine alone. What would you do in my place, would you wait a little longer?

2009-02-01T03:39:00.000-08:00

How I long to be free. To be free is what I wish for. The bread will have the same ingredients. It will be made in the same manner. The grass will be green in spring and yellow in the summer. The air will be as stale as yesterday. The twinkling stars shining far away to remind us our own humanity. A distant cold light far away often ignore and barely noticeable. Ahhhh, there is nothing right now in my brain but freedom although it would not change a thing. Death is inevitable and the tears won’t stop.

Still, freedom is what I want. What my soul yearns so deeply it turns into a pain that caresses my bones and heart. It cuts like a knife through my gut until it hits the other side. There is a cavity in the flesh that goes into the infinity. It is a wound that never heals. It won’t heal even if freedom arrives. The bleeding will carry on until there is nothing left but an empty vessel.

I know freedom will change nothing. Still, I know that bread will taste sweeter. The grass will look as emeralds in the dirt turn into amethysts. The sky hue will be more beautiful and the air will feel crisper. The tears will be less bitter. Freedom is eternal and those who obtain it transcend with it.

The stars are powerful and beautiful suns. Like our humanity, they are pure energy. All the stunning, warm light cannot be hold and must be release to faraway places. It is a bleeding that must continue until there is nothing left but an empty vessel. Sometimes I wonder if the stars looked at us back and wonder about the beauty of those tiny dim lights.
Life is the same whether or not I am free but the meaning of everything changes when you are free. How I long to be free. To be free is what I wish for.

The I Word

2009-01-03T02:32:00.000-08:00

Illegal is illegal। There is the reason why I don’t go to sites where immigration is being debated anymore. Illegal is illegal. How can anyone argue with that? It is the word illegal and it means illegal. End of discussion. Let’s go home. You can say that, and that is the problem. Illegal is illegal and it refers to me.

Illegal is illegal। It is just a sentence with two words. It means nothing. Oranges are oranges and two is two no matter how you slice it. I can say that stupid is stupid and there is no denying it. It is a truism like Jesus is love. Only Jesus is more than love. Clergy, atheists and scholars can tell you that Jesus is more than love. There is a point where love has nothing to do with Jesus. It is easy just to say that Jesus is love for the sake of sanity. That is the problem.

It is so simple that the meaning escapes through the window and runs laughing at your face. The first illegal refers to a person who is living without documents in the United States. There are many ways on which a person can become undocumented in the USA. Either the person was smuggled though the border or enter through an airport with a temporary visa and never left. Anyway, the person is illegal. Now, you can see the reality of the sentence. A person is illegal.
Illegal is illegal and it is funny। There are people driving cars without a license plate and those cars are not illegal. People smuggle animals into the country and those animals are not illegals. It is only when it refers to me that illegal is illegal, although, like the car and the animal, I had no say on the decision of whether I wanted to be an undocumented resident of the United States or not.

Even funnier, a murderer is a murderer। A murderer is not murder. A rapist is a rapist but it is not rape. There is a chance that we can love the sinner and hate the sin with a murderer and a rapist. There is no chance of loving an illegal because the sin is the sinner, even, if that particular sin is the only one committed by the sinner. I am an illegal when going to church and an illegal when donating blood. I am especially illegal when volunteering. Some of my illegal blood might be running through your veins. It is also safe blood, due to my stubborn catholic belief of remaining chaste until marriage and my unwillingness to drink alcohol or use drugs. There is such thing as illegal but safe. By the way, illegal is still illegal.

Illegal is illegal। It is a derogative term use to make the dreaded other feel inferior and less than human. It is like, calling a homosexual a fag or an African American a nigger. The only difference is that illegal is actually the correct legal definition. They also throw in the “alien” concept, thus every one can associate me to the dark, moist creature that impregnated American men in the Aliens Trilogy.

Because, illegal is illegal means, you are inferior। Justice has nothing to do with it. That is why we have engineers that are working as waitresses and nurses that are working as nannies. We have people whose only language is English and who were raised here. We have people who are no longer part of the country they left. They are the dreaded other in their country of origin and they are the dreaded other in the country they reside. Illegal is illegal and it means that I am unwanted everywhere.

Since illegal is illegal, the constitution has nothing to do with me। That is why someone can scream at my face that illegal is illegal and I can give a long wonderful speech. I cannot say that I am not illegal, because then, they’ll call ICE on me, and I will be deported. I cannot say that I am undocumented. You cannot feel compassion for me because feeling compassion to me is to feel compassion for my legal status. Tancredo does not have compassion for my legal status. He, however, understands that illegal is illegal. That is why he threatened to call ICE on a group of young students that were promoting the Dream Act. Thus, effectively he denied them the right to rally for their cause.

I also understand that illegal is illegal and that it refers to me। It is not how I see myself or how I see other Dream Act students. It is how I am perceived by others, even people who claim to like me. When a journalist writes a favorable article about the Dream Act, I want to thank that person. If I write as a Dream Act student, nothing happens. If I write as a thankful reader, I get a reply. Also, when writing responses in Saloon.com and Bill Moyers Journal, when writing as a pro-Dream Act individual, I get negative and positive responses. When I write my story and my take on my situation, people ignore my comments. I, it seems, do not have the right to have an opinion, even if the argument is the argument of my life.

Illegal is illegal and it must be stop. We can argue as much as we want. Some people might even write angry letters and some might have a good point. Still, those who are sick and tired of illegal is illegal must fight it to the bitter end…in Congress. Deep inside, after the protective cynicism is removed, the optimist hides inside all of us. There is a solution and its name is the Dream Act. One day, someone will scream at me that illegal is illegal. I will reply. “Illegal is illegal but it does not refer to me.” Only this time the law will be by my side. The world will have to agree. And those who wish to maintain the status quo will have no choice, but to swallow back, their bitter poison.