Thursday, July 29, 2010


I really wanted to reply to the last comment on the last blog but they were too long and boring. Instead, killing two birds with one stone by writing yet another long boring post.

Although choosing between staying in the USA or going back is a painful decision, it is also very liberating. I am no longer at the mercy of someone else who decides my life and limits my choices. As Cara said, is empowering.

As for politicians, they do only care for themselves. Still, that is a true of your nature and mine. I mean, this country has the right to exploit and abuse immigrants because it simply can. What we the powerless consider evil, they learned to rationalized into us being the evil ones.

In any place, group or entity where is power there is conflict. The human brain is capable of rationalized even the most evil of actions. Thus, the importance of the term division of power.

It is not up to politicians to change the course of action but up to people. If you consider politicians care about three things. First, the subject that are close to their hearts. Yes, it is surprising but politicians do have issues that are dear to them and will fight for them Second one, is voters because that keeps them hired and working on issues that matter, to the politician of course. Finally, funds to convince those voters to vote for the above mentioned politician. The more money the better.

If you think carefully most voters are the problem. If the healthcare debate was any good, it was to show the kind of people that politicians and the media cater to. They change of opinion fast, they didn't had a clue about the subject, they though they knew a lot and felt that everyone else, even experts didn't. The bill that became law was pretty much what voters wanted.

That does not mean everyone wanted. In the case of immigration, what I have seen from abusing employers to college students, is that THEY are doing us a favor by allowing us to stay illegally in their country. After all, we would be really poor and having bad time in Mexico, because we are all Mexicans yo' knaw.

We are hard working people when they need us and criminals when we ask for more. They don't give a damn if we are if we break the law if the lettuce is going to be cheaper.

I wish I was angrier. At this point, I feel nothing more. Just stating what I see even if it does not make sense to anyone but me.

Saturday, July 24, 2010


So after weeks, rather months of heavy sucking, I finally came to the firm conclusion that I cannot take this shit any longer. So, the countdown to go back to Mexico has begin.

Is this what I want? heck no but it seems that from the array of choices, it is the best one. After all, it is rare for humans have the best option at their disposal. More often than not, we have to choose between choices that do not appeal to us at all.

Of course this has to do with the damn panic attacks. I need hope for the future. Tangible hope that tomorrow will be better than today because today is better than yesterday. Right now, there is no such thing.

This year I will aged out the current Dream Act bill. Furthermore, both the Dream Act and Immigration Reform feel impossible this year, thus impossible in the next couple of years. Meanwhile, I aged every year, life is not waiting for me, nor this country or anyone else. The only person that can put in motion my life is me and I want to live it at its fullest. Not some half shit because someday I'll get back to travel, work, marriage, kids, and a mortgage.

In all honestly, neither do I wish for the dreamers to stop dreaming. One day, it will be a reality, for all of them, it is just not a reality for me. It is okay.

Neither I am going to star whining that the bill should take away some sections because its unfair for me and blah, blah. That is a load of crap. A kid that arrived 5 years ago has as much of a right to adjust his/her status than me. Frankly, if the bill as it is has greater chances of passing. Then, the hell with me and let it ripe. How cruel for some people, to prefer to let children endure this pain than to allow something good to happen.

I have always fought with all the odds against me and some times I have won. Yes, it will be difficult and hard but whatever. I am still young and strong with all my body parts in their place. I love this country but there is a point where you have to love yourself even more.

And with that last line, I end. Otherwise I will keep blabbing on and on.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Fear of Death = Fear of Life

After the last panic attack, I had to admit there was a problem. Ever since the car accident, at the age of twelve, death is mysterious companion of mine. However, it never had the meaning it has now. It is very different to know or to understand something than to feel it with all the intensity of your soul.

All of the sudden, all my goals, worries and problems felt pretty futile. I will die anyway and in less than one hundred years, it would be as if I was never here. Why bother?

More than fearing extinction, I feared the death of others. No longer to be able to see my mother, my father, my friends and enemies. Suddenly, the death penalty felt too harsh.

But then again, why fear death? It's inevitable dark shadow will always lurk around to take every one of us into a place we don't know. No, horror is not fire or ice, it's the emptiness that comes with eternity. After all, forever is a heck of a long time and everything that starts must end sooner than later.

No, it is not the fear of death that makes me shiver and forces the tears out of my eyes. It's the fear of life. Life that is always random, light, movement, chaos and change. It the life that enters my lungs with every breath and purifies my blood with every heart beat. It is life not death the real beautiful horror that refuses to let go.

Now, if this is confusing, there is an example. Imagine a horror movie where a band of horny teenagers are trapped inside a mansion where a monster is lurking.

There are two options:
a. Wait there in the safety of the room where everyone is gather.
b. Go out and find a way out.

Most horror movies go to B without too much pondering because it will be boring to watch horny teenagers trap in a room for two hours. Still, a is what most people would do. They would keep the current safety and bury themselves in a corner and pretend to be okay when everything is wrong.

In reality they are far from safe, the monster will get to that room and give them what is coming to them . Yet, in the meantime they are safe and they are too scare to think beyond their noses.

People who chose b are choosing life. No kidding, there is a huge chance of dying right now. There are little chances of getting out. Still, in the other hand, they are cheating death because they are acting. They are moving, reacting, feeling. They are living as death runs after them.

So, I am afraid of living. I am afraid of doing what has to be done in order to live. I act as if I was waiting for life but in reality life is waiting for me to fly away into chaos and change that comes to the people to fill every minute with the light of life.

Curiously enough living as you die is not the same as dying as you live. It took me a while to get it. No, it does not make death less bitter but it does make life more sweet and that, that is enough for me.

Monday, July 12, 2010


Justice is the stuff that people talk as if it was like air, invisible but surrounding every aspect of our lives.

It does not exist.

There are laws but those laws are rules. They were created to stop people from doing something. Sometimes laws stop people from hurting others. Sometimes laws are created to hurt people.

Laws have nothing to do with justice.

If there is any justice in this world. It is not like air but like blood. Floating in and out of your heart. It is structured by education but at the root, it is compassion. Compassion developed of living, living with others and with yourself.

If only there is any justice in this world.

No, there is no justice outside, waiting for you to find it. It cannot be conquer, it cannot be bought. Either you developed inside or you don't have it.

In any case,

A person without justice is not a person.

If the rules on which you set your life only apply to others but not for yourself.

You are not a person.

If the laws of others are imposed to you by force and they do not apply it to themselves, you are not a person.

Needless to say, there are fewer people on this world than what the eyes sees.

In any case, those who are non-people have the right to seek justice.

And those with justice have the right to impose justice to non-people.

And there is nothing more to say.

From a non-person to you. Take it or leave it but is here.