Saturday, February 27, 2010

A Note to Self

The worst possible human flaw is selfishness. Although debate is welcomed, and many people might have their idea of many other possible damming flaws, selfishness still has a malevolent flatulence that only it can call its own.

My favorite selfish person is one that is also narcissistic. The kind of individual that hides his/her arrogance with altruism and portrays his/herself as a martyr who is fighting and sacrificing for a cause, when in reality is just seeking adulation and/or wealth

Selfishness transcends race, nationality and gender. It is never bad to be selfish by itself. After all, individuals have to look for their own interests but selfishness in excess is as vicious as violence and as repugnant as ignorance. The selfish person often uses both as weapons stop opposition. It hides under religions, laws, principles and moral codes to justify its ugly nature and give a positive spin to negative actions.

It touches everyone's life at the most basic level. From the people who do not pick their own trash in the park to those in government who stop the needed reform in health, immigration, social security and other important issues.

Everyone has the right to look for their self preservation. That is true, like the nigh is dark but selfish people are willing to destroy themselves and everyone around them to get what they want. They are unwilling to look at the other side. A gram of comfort is more important than the pain of suffering of their fellow human kind. They ask for everything each of us has to offer but curse like sailors when they are ask to give a little.

Sometimes, they are asked to give nothing but nonetheless they will destroy the whole world in a whim if someone is granted a basic simple right. Why is so wrong that homosexuals get married? Why is so wrong to adjust the status of people who are already working and contributing to the whole? Why let someone die in the richest country in the world because they cannot afford health care?

Sometimes I wonder who is the most selfish, the one who gathers around a crowd of fearful and hateful or the one who smirks at them as if they were silly baboons. The one who screams laud enough to shut the voices of many or the one who only rants in blogs...sometimes, I wonder if I am not the most selfish one of them all.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Step by Step

So, yesterday I was terrified for no good reason. Then cried a little bit, which was annoying. There was a time when nothing could make me cry. Terribly things could happen and more than hiding it, there was nothing there. Those days are over, yesterday I cried over an M&Ms commercial. I guess it is better because every few months or so, I would collapse in bed due to the intense pain all over my body. Yes, feeling nothing is worst than feeling everything.

Well, there might be a reason. After the damn Dream Act summit in Sacramento, I decided to give political advocacy another shot and decided to do something besides blogging and ranting on the net. After meeting with a fellow Dreamer from the local area, we developed a plan to do something small. Sometimes, real meaningful action comes, not by becoming the Mexican Martin Luther King Jr. but by doing what you can, no matter how small it is.

So change is more than Obama drinking a light beer? Who knew? I was also afraid when I decided to go back to writing. Because you know, it's important for my-self and it makes me happy and loved it and so forth. So why doing what you really want is so hard? After all, it's what you want?

Well, because happiness is not like pleasure. Pleasure is instant joy and happiness sometimes requires long term boredom and pain. I guess 'cause I am not Coca-Cola incorporated, an expert in joy. Sometimes happiness requires change and change, more often than not, requires shifts in old habits. Habits, you had lived with your whole life. Those are part of you and you love yourself. So, why do you want to change if you love your lazy butt so much?

Sometimes you heart has been broken one too many times to give hope and change another shot. Political activism has made me more cynical and cruel due to the uncanny ability of enemies and allies to get greedy, drunk by teaspoon of power and out of focus. That covers me as well. Because politics is power and power is the stuff that does not change you, it only shows your true colors.

In conclusion, I have no idea what I am talking about. Only that I am making changes in my life and I am afraid because even if it is dark and cold where you are, God only knows what awaits you once you move from under the rock and walk into the beyond searching for light.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Came Back from Sacramento

I came back from the Stand Up for the Dream Capitol Summit. At the moment had the chance to speak with Senator Cedillo among other people of interest. Not only that but had the chance to meet some astounding dreamers. I just remember mumbling some words which sounded cold and superficial. Well, to be real it was not only me but several of the dreamers in the room acted the same. It is hard to retain a straight face when something so meaningful and intimate is shared. Thus, you end up acting in a way that protects you and prevents you from breaking down in front of more 100 people. 

I miss the opportunity to have lunch with Liz Mateo, Ju and Gloria. In a way, it was conforming, I cried all the way home. Came back feeling pain through my whole body. My dad kept nagging that it was because I had almost 24 hours without drinking or eating or much sleep. It is probably true.

Also true, I am tired. All my years came to me in a punch without asking if I was ready to be tired. All that endless hungry ambition that allowed me to withstand hunger, cold and any obstacle in the way is simply gone. Year after, after year of working without rest, first for my education, then for my job and then for the Dream Act, I am simply too tired to just give more and then asked to give more when is time to collect the rewards. I cannot, I will not stand another shut down in my face if Dream is put on hold for the good of CIR and I will not withstand another CIR is too important and has to wait to make it right and I will not withstand another the country has other priorities than a handful of wetbacks. 

Going to that meeting was like someone removing the dagger from my heart and allowing me to bleed and bleed until I drained. But I am not drained because it is still painful and it still hurts. 

None the less, I give up more for Dream. More than because of optimist or ambition or hope because of compulsion. Because that is the only thing I can do. Because I cannot stand someone else feeling the way I feel right now. Because I learn to give it all and cry later when I am called a thief and the fruits of my labor are rip from my hands.