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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Panic



So, I was ready to hit the sheets. In my bed, dozing off as the Kink’s I go to Sleep was on.

Mmmm….maybe I should add, Starry, Starry Night to that list. (Never mind that I do not have that song). Anyway, tomorrow there is work and Sarah needs to be picked from school. I wonder if I can buy some Chinese food and smuggle it to my room without my family finding out and demanding some. Oh, I have to organize all this files and then must start to walk again although right now is raining. I wonder if I am going to die. I think I am going to die. Soon.

Fear. I don’t want to die. Is consciousness going away? I do not believe that Shakespeare is eternal through his work. I believe life is consciousness, in breathing at the moment and feeling at the moment and experiencing at the moment. Is there something else? No, I do not believe there is nothing else, I do not believe that all humanity dies and goes someplace else. Maybe some, some who have gone beyond animals and turn into people. Please grandmother talk to me from beyond, tell me that you are there and that your will come and pick me up.

No. she is not coming. She is dead. I refuse to believe that humanity is like maggots in a corpse. First, one or two then a billion eating the rotten flesh that is the world until there is nothing and everything is gone. I am leaving. My mind is fading and that is that. Panic.  I don’t want to die.

Still, when my grandparents died everybody said that there was relief in their faces. Eventually we all must die. But I cannot accept it. I won’t accept it. I want to live. I want to remain alive. I don’t want to face into nothingness. Maybe death was a relief for them. Maybe they were tired of fighting the world, of fighting themselves. Maybe the burden of life keeps growing as the years go by, until it becomes unbearable. I don’t believe it. I don’t want to believe it.

Up. My chest hurts. The pain starts at my heart and it moves through my veins and my blood feeds it to my cells.  Tears come through my eyes as I get up. I had a panic attack. The Kinks are still on. My hands are shaky and the tears keep coming out no matter how hard my hands wipe them out of my face.

My chest still hurts. Intense jolts of fear and a sense of dead still surrounding me. I am not going to die. Not today anyway. Maybe I might be prepared when it comes, after all, I have lots of practice with dying. For years death has come and kisses me, just to wave a see you later and said, not today but some day. 

Thursday, May 13, 2010

On Fairness

It is only when it is about you that it is unfair.

Because that is unfair, to me, which makes it just unfair.

I mean, we all got a hand what does it matter if I deal the cards and set the rules. It is unfair. I say. It is unfair. That I deal the cards and set the rules and you won.  It is not unfair when I deal the hands and set the rules and win because that is the way the game is. That is the prize of my hard work. That is the reward of my virtue over your flaws.

If you want to win, play by the rules.
Just do not win.

Because that is unfair, to me, which makes it just unfair.

So, yea, the chips are not mine. They never were. They were inherited from someone else. Still, they are mine. If I throw them away or burn them or eat them, it is okay because they are mine.

So, I stole the chips. It is fair. It is fair to me which makes it just fair. It is part of the rules and if you want to win. You need to play by the rules.

There is only a problem when you pick them up and profit from them. Even worst, when you pick them up and double them up. It is only a problem when you work and make your own chips. It is even worst, if you create wealth with my waste. Again, play by the rules.

Just do not win.

Because that is unfair, to me, which makes it just unfair.

I have the right to tell you what is right and what is wrong. I have the right to impose my views over yours. It is never right for you to be right.

If you are ever right, I will ignore you and then say what you say and pretend it was my idea. You are not supposed to be smart, and if you are, is unfair to me, which makes it unfair.

The game will always be fair for everyone. Even though I deal the cards and set the rules. In the game, everyone should win. If you lose, is because you are flawed.

If I lose is because you are flawed. Cheater. If you played by the rules and won, then the rules are unfair and must be changed. And again, if you played your cards right, you should win.

Just do not win.

Because that unfair, to me, which makes it unfair.

It is only when is about you that it is unfair.
Because it should always be about me.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Between a Rock and a Hard Place


I have difficult to sleep. Ever since I had that accident where I almost died, sleeping is an issue. Sleeping is a way of dying. You are just lying there without feeling happy or eating or hanging out with someone you care. Yes, it sounds stupid but going to sleep and never waking up does makes me nervous.

It is not always the case. Many nights I am able to go bed and get a good rest. Sometimes is easier to accept the fact that sooner than later I will die and my body will rot away and the person that I am will cease to be. It does not matter if you believe in heaven or hell or anything of the likes. The person you're right now will no longer be. God only knows if you will ever see the person you love the most or not. Heck, all logic points out that God does not know because he/she/it does exist. Nonetheless, the odds were against me more than once and so far so good. I believe I put my chips in God, after all, is not like I am going to lose more if there is not a white bearded men looking after me.

I can imagine some people telling me, but girly…you will die some day, shit happens, face reality, and to all those people I say screw you! Clearly, you have not come to realize the fragility of your humanity as an SUV passes through you, pulls you by the dress and the chemicals in your brain get you bake so as to not feel the pain of your soul escaping your body. Dying sucks unless your life really, really sucks.

I guess that is the point. My life does not suck. I am surrounded by a small group of people that love me and that I love back. Yes, I am near destitution but working in what I love. Life could be so much better but is not greatly worst. In my current non-person condition, it is good to know that if you are lost someone will miss you and search for you. How many so call humans can say the same?

However, life demands to be lived, the same way that death demands cold, dark, stagnation. Oh, so many parts of me are buried and sleeping, like seeds in unfertile ground waiting for the spring to come back and create life. I cannot let my locked potential to be rot away but neither do I wish to let go of my present. My feet grew roots and cutting them will be as to cut a vital limb.

This is what some people defined being between a rock and a hard place.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Beef with the World


So, why so many people in my area are becoming so increasingly and openly anti-immigrant? First, it was the Chico News and Reviews article where losers were actually cheering the pain of suffering of a deported family. Now, is the Red Bluff Daily News with an editorial of a woman grossly using the tragedy of a rancher killed in Arizona to blast against “illegals that do whatever they want.”
First of all, I am not happy for the death of that poor man. What happened to him no one deserves and I cannot even pretend to understand the pain his family must feel at the moment. I also believe everyone needs to be safe in their own home and the perpetuator should pay the consequences of his/her actions. 
Still, I am not happy either that innocent people are being blame for the tragedy, neither that the death of this poor man is being used as an excuse for hate and to promote the kind of behavior that got him kill in the first place.
Finally, why does it matter how candidates in State and local elections feel about immigration? Not only is this an issue that can only be solved at the federal level, we are closer to Canada than to Mexico.
I do not believe people are evil or ignorant. They are hypocritical. Northern California depends on agriculture which depends of immigrant labor. Young people do not leave this area because immigrants are taking their jobs. Anyone with enough talent leaves because they want jobs that do not suck. That is why our Federal Congressman Wally Herger is against CIR and DA but fully supports AgJobs.
P.S. where the hell do they get that I can do whatever I want? If I could do whatever I wanted, I would not be near destitution, I would use my  college degree to get a nice job. I would pay higher taxes for my high skill labor. So, please cut the crap, if you do not want us here, stop eating onions, watermelons and tomatoes, stop warming your house with wood. Stop upgrading your home and fixing your cars, STOP CONSUMING because every thing that you touch in Northern California has pass through the hands of an immigrant/latino first.