So, I was ready to hit the sheets. In my bed, dozing off as the Kink’s I go to Sleep was on.
Mmmm….maybe I should add, Starry, Starry Night to that list. (Never mind that I do not have that song). Anyway, tomorrow there is work and Sarah needs to be picked from school. I wonder if I can buy some Chinese food and smuggle it to my room without my family finding out and demanding some. Oh, I have to organize all this files and then must start to walk again although right now is raining. I wonder if I am going to die. I think I am going to die. Soon.
Fear. I don’t want to die. Is consciousness going away? I do not believe that Shakespeare is eternal through his work. I believe life is consciousness, in breathing at the moment and feeling at the moment and experiencing at the moment. Is there something else? No, I do not believe there is nothing else, I do not believe that all humanity dies and goes someplace else. Maybe some, some who have gone beyond animals and turn into people. Please grandmother talk to me from beyond, tell me that you are there and that your will come and pick me up.
No. she is not coming. She is dead. I refuse to believe that humanity is like maggots in a corpse. First, one or two then a billion eating the rotten flesh that is the world until there is nothing and everything is gone. I am leaving. My mind is fading and that is that. Panic. I don’t want to die.
Still, when my grandparents died everybody said that there was relief in their faces. Eventually we all must die. But I cannot accept it. I won’t accept it. I want to live. I want to remain alive. I don’t want to face into nothingness. Maybe death was a relief for them. Maybe they were tired of fighting the world, of fighting themselves. Maybe the burden of life keeps growing as the years go by, until it becomes unbearable. I don’t believe it. I don’t want to believe it.
Up. My chest hurts. The pain starts at my heart and it moves through my veins and my blood feeds it to my cells. Tears come through my eyes as I get up. I had a panic attack. The Kinks are still on. My hands are shaky and the tears keep coming out no matter how hard my hands wipe them out of my face.
My chest still hurts. Intense jolts of fear and a sense of dead still surrounding me. I am not going to die. Not today anyway. Maybe I might be prepared when it comes, after all, I have lots of practice with dying. For years death has come and kisses me, just to wave a see you later and said, not today but some day.